Monday, September 17, 2012

New Breed of Cat Overpopulates Spartanburg Overnight

Seemingly overnight, citizens on the west side of Spartanburg were surrounded by literally thousands of cute fuzzy creatures that appear to be an unidentified species of feline.

Last nights rain showers left a fog over the city, and a fog of confusion still lingers over where these creatures came from. Susan Gratty, with Spartanburg's animal control and rescue, reported their facility is almost at maximum capacity and unable to contend with the situation.

Some citizens seem more then happy to take in the apparently harmless and cuddly creatures into their homes as pets. "I rounded up about a dozen of the frisky critters so far." says local resident Wilma Haynes, "They are eating me out of house and home though, but my husband is bring groceries after he gets off work tonight after midnight."

We at Spartanburg Parody Paper Press News will follow up this story as the situation develops. Local scientists are looking into where these creatures came from, and what species they are. Stay tuned!  

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Local Roller Skating Car-Hop Waitress' Arrested

A Spartanburg Sonic Drive-In was closed over the weekend due to a fight between multiple roller skating waitresses Friday. The restaurant recently hired two female employees that are members of a local roller derby team, apparently much to the dismay of the other car hop girls.

Police reports initially stated the two new employees, Autumn "Atticweapon" Warner, and Stephanie "Slaughterberry Shortcake" Davis were the only ones who didn't sustain injury, which led to the initial assumption they were responsible for the brawl, on top of the other waitresses account of the event.

"We couldn't make any tips because these new girls were hogging all the customers!" said Susan Bailey, a skating waitress at Sonic that has been working there all summer.

Video security footage of the day in question shows the two roller derby waitresses "checking" the more novice skaters. Judge Frank Barry concluded the alleged "checking" to be a legal roller derby maneuver and dropped all charges, stating the two derby girls acted in self-defense when attacked in retaliation. Sonic representatives declined to comment, other then to say the two ladies in question no longer work at the establishment.

Spartanburg man, angry with government, "gives up" arguing on facebook.

Jerry Kippling became so frustrated this past week with trying to convince people he knew more then they did about who is really to blame for the shortcomings of the US government that he simply gave up and logged off his facebook page.

"I don't even care to check who replied to my last 10 posts, it's a heavy burden being right all the time, and frankly, it's not as fun as it used to be."

Jerry reportedly is planning on avoiding the social networking site for a few days, and hopes to post pictures of his cats upon his return, rather then rant about the perilous economic situation over the weekend.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

City Police Arrest Ederly Kool-Aid Mascot in Hampton Heights

Spartanburg Police have been on the lookout this past week for a giant walking pitcher of red liquid. Reports indicate it has been a virtual rampage of tens of thousands of dollars worth of destruction to private property over the past several days in mainly suburban homes around the downtown area of Spartanburg.

"We were just standing there in the break room making some kool-aid when all of the sudden it was like an explosion." Mary Collins, an eye witness to one of the incidents commented. "We thought it was terrorists at first, but then we saw a giant red thing, and he yelled in this booming voice, 'Oh Yeah!' ..I thought we were all dead for sure."

Police detectives say the incidents mostly happened in kitchens, or when someone was making a glass of kool-aid. "We set up a Sting operation, trying to trap the suspect," Sargent Waters told reporters today, "We prompted his appearance in a house in Hampton heights by pouring up some of the kool-aid beverage. We had a SWAT team laying in wait inside the suburban home."

The Kool-Aid man was arrested and given a psychological evaluation which resulted in discovering he suffers from dementia.

"I think he was just confused, and he certainly didn't want to hurt anyone" local psychologist Bill Kerrnal remarked. "He's into his 60's in age, but also has lived very much a life of hard knocks. We'll do our best to keep him from going to prison over this. He needs help, and being locked up like an animal won't do him, or anyone, any good."

For now, what the future has in store for the Kool-Aid man will be left up to the local courts to decide, but Spartanburg residents can sigh in relief that it's safe to enjoy a nice glass of kool-aid again without having to worry about doing major construction repair to their homes.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Spartanburg Procrastinators Club Meet-up Postponed

The Spartanburg procrastinators club was scheduled to hold their first meeting over the weekend at Sonny's brickoven pizza downtown, and part-time organizer Jeff Parsons was hoping for a high turnout.

"We had a lot of people that said they were attending on the facebook event page we created for this." said Parsons, "I admit the event should have been promoted earlier then a few days prior though. I just have so much stuff going on right now, and I only organize for this group in my spare time really."

Attending the meeting were Parsons and three others, who were unaware of the event itself, but just happened to be at the pizza place for drinks that evening.
The group decided to postpone the event for a yet to be decided upon date, in the near future possibly, sooner then later hopefully.

"Possible future events will be posted probably at least two weeks or so before the event itself more then likely," Parsons added, "unless a mutually convenient date is agreed upon by whoever thinks they might could meet wherever, whenever, or whatever. I'm sure it'll all come together sooner or later."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Masonic Coffee Mummy Ghost Mystery Solved

Four teens and their dog were arrested and released over the weekend at a new coffee shop downtown which until recently was a masonic temple. Claiming to be professional paranormal investigators, the teens allegedly were solving the mystery of the masonic mummy ghost, reportedly seen by several employees at the establishment.

"We were just enjoying some coffee when we heard a scream, and the girl working that day came running up from the basement in a panic." said Fred Jones, one of the novice investigators. "We knew we had to get to the bottom of this mystery then and there."

Upon investigation, the teens found old strips of rag fragments stained with coffee, and a masonic ring in the basement. "It was our first clue!" exclaimed Velma Dinkley, a female member of the group.
"We knew we had to act fast while the trail was fresh." added Daphne Blake.

"Scooby and I were searching the bakery while the rest of the gang was checking out the rest of the place." explained Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers, one of the teens arrested. "We were testing some great marmalade cupcakes for clues when Scooby tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. I turned around and I was face to face with the Masonic mummy ghost himself! I was like, zoinks!"

Shaggy and his dog, Scooby-doo, claimed they were then chased all throughout the establishment by the Masonic mummy ghost, causing damage to multiple crates of supplies and damaging other private property as well, for which their initial arrest was made later that day.

"We had eventually found more clues and discovered evidence that old man Jenkins, a disgruntled Freemason and avid decaf drinker, wanted to see the coffee shop close so he could buy the property to open a pawn shop." explained Velma.

"Unfortunately, we were arrested and taken downtown before we could explain the whole thing to the police." added Fred.

With the evidence in hand, the gang explained the whole situation to local authorities while being held for malicious damage and trespassing. The police found old man Jenkins in the basement dressed as a mummy and placed him under arrest. All charges were dropped against the teens and their dog, due to their help in bringing to justice the local con-man.

Spartanburg's PPP news was on the scene to ask old man Jenkins for a comment on his outlandish scheme as he was being led to the patrol car, to which he is quoted as saying, "I would of succeeded, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids."

Because of their arrest, and despite the charges against them being dropped, the teens pictures were still placed in the local weekly paper, Jailbirds, which features people incarcerated in Spartanburg county.

"It's ok." remarked Shaggy. "I always wanted my picture in the paper, and now the coffee shop said we can get all the marmalade cupcakes Scooby and I can eat." To which his talking dog amazingly spoke out and exclaimed with joy, "Scooby-doobie doo!!"

Friday, May 21, 2010

Downtown Elderly Drug Ring Busted

Spartanburg police raided the Sunny Parks retirement home downtown yesterday, arresting several male residents, busting up what has been called one of the biggest illegal prescription drug rings in the city. Floyd Maddows was incarcerated on numerous charges of selling high grade Viagra to undercover officers posing as elderly residents.

"We've been performing surveillance for quite some time now." explained detective Robbert Mathews. "Since noticing the rise in activity, undercover officers have been gathering evidence for over a year from inside the retirement home. We have video evidence of everything, and believe me, some of it is rather disturbing footage."

It is rumored that the actual raid had to be undertaken on short notice due to some of the video evidence being supposedly leaked from officials onto internet sites such as, among other mature adult websites. It was feared that some of the residents may recognize the footage, as internet records show these kinds of sites are frequently visited from within the retirement home.

"I'm not at liberty to comment on that." Mathews stated, "but any wrong doing on the part of police will be addressed internally, of course."

The raid and arrests took place at 4:15pm, as most of the residents were taking a nap, and the elderly men arrested were reported to go peaceably, but one of the detained individuals did have trouble putting on his pants, one disturbed eyewitness reported.

Updates are sure to come up, and we'll keep you informed as this story develops.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Area Man Filing Taxes As Professional Hipster

For Chuck "Grainy Train" Cheney being hip has always been an obsession, but now he's claiming it as his profession, and as consequence he's filing his taxes accordingly. We caught up with him the other day to get the inside scoop after one of his live internet radio web vlog podcasts he does from his second story loft in downtown Spartanburg to see what all the hype is about.

PPP News Staff: Good afternoon Chuck, I'm sure our readers are wondering just how this all works, filing as a pro hipster and all. It's not a typical occupation, and I thought maybe you could elaborate on it.

Chuck Cheney: Sure, no prob coolio. I've been hip forever, like, since the prenatal scene, ya dig? It just comes natural to me my man, and it ain't no thing.

PPPN Staff: So how do you make money at being a hipster?

Chuck: Ways and means my friend. Throwing house parties for the peeps, my ultra hip web radio live vlog cast. Hell, people just throw money at me, ya know? I'm that kinda guy.

PPPN: What kind of music do you play on your show?

Chuck: If you have to ask, then you obviously don't know about being hip friend. Only the dankest, most obscure shiznizzle that ever made your ears sizzle my man. Everything from Morrissey to Meat Beat Manifesto, from Dr. Dre to Dr. Dooom. Always on the upbeat switchin' up the platinum.

PPPN: OK then, it must be tough filling out the tax forms, considering the nature of your occupation.

Chuck: Not really bro, I write off all the new gear I snag, and anything I use to be hip really.

PPPN: Such as?

Chuck: I got these fly kicks, my threads of course, my rent for this fly pad, all that PBR and the Salem Lights I smoke, hell, I even claim my Portuguese water dog. I just can't claim the beaster headies, ya dig? Hey, you aren't gonna print that last part are ya?

PPPN: Sure.

Chuck: OK then. The lowdown's like this, I'm just riding this gravy train all the way to the station. I can't help that I'm deck, a juicer to the max, hell, chippers sway when I bust a moby. I don't even need no bronson to spring some tassel from some midtown jerry frado.

PPPN: You lost me at, "OK then" man.

Chuck: I got shit to do man, good luck with your article. See ya.

With that I was shown the door. Chuck never returned my calls on following up with the article and he never mentioned the article on his next couple of shows. If the IRS accepts his occupation and write offs as legitimate it'll be to the surprise of this journalist. All in all one has to admit that Chuck does have one thing going for him, the ability to throw a good house party. It's just too bad they won't let me attend.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Local Snow Storm Sends Spartanburg Citizens Into Panic

The heaviest snow to sweep the upstate in years may befall Spartanburg in the next 24 hours. The mass exodus to grocery stores was an chilly chaos of seemingly life or death survival earlier today as temperatures reached near freezing and the snow began to look like it might stick. People scrambled to find milk and loaf bread to feed themselves and their families, preparing for the worst case scenario as nearly dozens of power outages were a real possibility throughout the night in the county. Those that met with empty shelves at their local stores were panic stricken and violently distraught.

"I just hope we can make it through the night without milk." said a local shopper as he grabbed what little previsions were still available. "We may get several inches they say, if the temperature drops. This place is out of toilet paper too, damn it to hell!"
The mood on the streets is one of frantic urgency, as some people rushed out to buy kerosene and batteries with the flakes of terror already filling the sky.

As the salt is spread thick throughout the downtown streets, and people try to rush back to their homes before sundown to brace themselves for the long night ahead, one can't help but notice several vehicles abandoned in ditches on the side of the road where panic stricken drivers have lost control and obviously taken their chances on foot to find what possible shelter they could, rather then wait for tow trucks to arrive.

"I just hope citizens know it will be short lived and don't do anything rash, like resort to cannibalism." commented Mark Hylman, an officer with the city police that took a moment to comment as he was patrolling the area for wandering citizens who had abandoned their cars after running off the road in a panic. "People get insane with just the mention of snow here in the upstate of South Carolina. I'm from Chicago and it's just an everyday thing up there, but here it's apocalyptic."

Rescue teams all over the county are on full alert, not because of any hazards actually weather related, but due to peoples over reaction to the possibility of the snow and ice. Most businesses in the city are closed throughout the duration of the light snowfall expected, except for the bars, of course. Hopefully things will be back to normal in this typically peaceful and cheery town tomorrow, and life will go on as it always has, without the threat of natures wintry hands hanging over our heads.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Rabies Outbreak Terrorizes East Spartanburg

When 13 year old Carla Owens came home from an afternoon in the woods behind her house with a squirrel bite, her mother didn't think to rush her off to the hospital for such a seemingly mild injury. Apparently during the following night the child became seriously ill and crazed, viciously attacking her parents in their sleep and infecting them as well with what authorities claim to be the most severe strain of rabies they've ever seen.

The next morning Spartanburg county police and rescue received calls from Drayton area homeowners concerning several crazed individuals roaming the area attacking anyone in sight. Police reports verify several incidents of vehicles running off the road to avoid hitting pedestrians in the middle of the street, only to be dragged from their cars and violently mauled. The people attacked apparently became crazed themselves, attacking others, to where by mid-day reports were coming in from all over the east side of town.

Greg Fowler, a gas station attendant on East Main street, managed to avoid what he described as a violent mob of blood stained lunatics by hiding in his stores beer cave. "The first one was a large bearded man in nothing but his boxer shorts, I thought he was just another drunk till I saw the blood dripping off his deeply bitten face." Fowler explained as he warmed himself after his nearly week long stay in the refrigerated safe haven of a beer cooler. "Luckily for me he went for a customer using the ATM machine first, giving me just enough time to make it in the beer cave, barring the door behind me. I don't remember much after the first 24 hours or so because I didn't have any food or water and had to drink beer to survive in there."

While some got through the ordeal by barricading themselves within their homes, others attempted to survive the tragedy by locking themselves in the old Hillcrest shopping plaza, but when they tried to make a break for it in two Spartanburg regional shuttle buses, reinforced with vinyl siding, they were overrun by the bloodthirsty infected. Paul Blart, a security officer at the plaza, survived by staying behind and shared his story with us. "It was me, a nurse, a cop, some guy that sold TV's, and a few others. I told them it was insane to go out there, but they were determined to reach an island in the middle of lake Bowen, thinking it was their only chance to survive. I told them it was suicide, but they wouldn't listen."

Another couple of survivors crawled out of the ruins of the old Winchester Pub on Fernwood and Glendale. Shaun Taylor and his girlfriend Liz ended up there with others and shared with me how they barely escaped with their lives. "It was us, and my mom, my best friend and another couple. We were fine the first night, but then the jukebox suddenly came blaring on and I guess they heard us. They came crashing in through the barricaded windows like a nightmare." Shaun recalls with terror in his eyes, "They made lunch meat out of everyone but us. The place somehow caught on fire at that point, and we were barely fending them off from behind the bar when luckily we found a trap door and got ourselves underground in the crawlspace to safety."

After many days, and several hundreds dead, the infected seemed to stop being aggressive and came back to their senses. Julie Hartford was one of the infected whom we talked to following the ordeal, and one of the few who were willing to explain her thoughts on what had happened. "All I remember was being attacked while going outside to my mailbox Thursday morning, and then suddenly I realized I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot covered in blood with raw flesh in my teeth." She explained in gory detail. "I've been a vegetarian for over three years now, and this relapse shouldn't count I believe. I was out of my mind, I don't remember a thing, but they said I attacked several people and bit some guys ear off, I'm so ashamed."

It was a tragedy this town won't soon forget, and all squirrels in the area are being systematically destroyed to prevent future outbreaks. The close proximity to Milliken's new umbrella factory has come under scrutiny, and an ongoing investigation is underway. Whatever the cause of this disaster, one can only feel sorrow for the lives lost, and sympathy for their families. We can only hope nothing like this ever happens again, and now the survivors must pick up the pieces and live life the only way they can, one day at a time.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Peaceful Anarchy Proposed to Keep the Flea Market a Free Market

In a surprising move, Spartanburg City Council imposed sales taxes and book keeping regulations on local flea market vendors. Spartanburg Flea Market was once known as the Thunderbird, and a drive-in movie theater before that. The vendors are very upset and some have joined together in taking on City Council to keep their flea market a free market.
"This will hardly make it worth setting up shop." complains Tim Conners, a long time vendor of collectible cassette tapes, velvet Elvis paintings, and personalized air brushed T-shirts. "I'm out here barely scraping by as it is, they'll wipe me out with taxes by the end of the first quarter, how will I be able to afford to restock my Elvis art, or my tapes? I'm ruined if this thing goes through."

Matt Carter over at the removable tattoo parlor and peanut shack is worried this spells the end of the flea market itself. "No one will survive this transition. They expect us to get licensed and file paperwork, even if I could read I'd still be opposed to it."

Many of the vendors are rising to the challenge presented by the city and proposing just as drastic measures on the Council as are being imposed upon themselves. "We're forcing a vote for peaceful anarchy to be in effect immediately in the city." said Susan Bowers, a long time seller of porcelain nick-nacks and live chickens. "It's doubtful the Council will vote in favor of the change, but it shows them the extremes of the position they are putting us in, only reversed basically."

Catching up with Sarah Blanchard, a Spartanburg City Council board member, "Of course we'll vote against it. You really think we'd vote ourselves out of power? We'd have to, ya know, find real jobs like everybody else if that were the case." she said just before hopping in her sporty new Maserati and speeding off.

What the proposal does though is buy the vendors a little more time. The Councils regulations can't take effect until the counter proposal is addressed, and it's sure to bring some light to the destruction of what is possibly the last working example of a truly localized free market. The city is in a desperate attempt to gain slightly more revenue, but this is only bringing them unexpected opposition.

"I see the government as a kind of Robinhood," remarked a rollerskating dwarf named Bongo who often break dances and juggles for the shoppers while passing around the hat. "except where Robinhood steals from the rich and gives to the poor, the government steals from the poor too. Keep the flea market a free market enterprise or I won't be able to do this anymore." he said just before twirling around on one skate and flipping into a handstand to the applause of the crowd that had gathered.

It would be a shame to lose the only place in town where you can buy an old ice cream churn, original 16-bit Nintendo games, and live poultry all in one convenient stop on an early Saturday morning. The peaceful anarchy proposal will hopefully be addressed in the City Council meeting next week, but until then all the vendors, and the future of the free market flea market, is up in the air.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Local Elementary Students Politically Pawned

Spartanburg lately, and the rest of the nation for that matter, has been politically polarized more then ever before. The freshest debate of controversy is president Obama addressing school children directly in a televised speech, so Spartanburg's PPP News went to Pine Street Elementary School to get the scoop from parents, teachers, and students alike.

"I would rather watch TV then do work in class any day." said little Tommy Saunders in Mrs. Krinkle's fourth grade class. "The grownups have been arguing about writing something about it afterwords, which I hope we don't have to do." When I asked Tommy to tell me what else he has heard about the speech he said, "Mrs. Krinkle told us at first we might watch it, then the other day she said we wouldn't. I think it has to do with all the parents yelling, and maybe with some kids dads beating up each other in the parking lot after school the other day, it was scary."

"It would do the students some good to think about what role the president plays in government," Mrs. Krinkle remarked, "but parents on both sides of the issue have expressed their concerns to me with extremely high emotions. It's like I've been stuck in the middle, forced to be a mediator between two insane groups of screaming, violent mobs." Mrs. Krinkle continued to explain, "The local school officials decided they wouldn't broadcast the speech after the hardcore conservative parents said they would keep their children home that day, but now the hardcore liberal parents are keeping their kids home to watch the speech live. The rest of the teachers and I are trying our best to just stay out of this whole mess and hope this thing just quickly goes away. That days curriculum is lost either way."

Things seem very tense between some parents while picking up their children after school. Two arrests have been made for assault this past week on school property after an altercation in the parking lot occurred last Wednesday between two fathers. They were unavailable for comment.

"My mom screamed at this other mom for a whole hour after school yesterday." young Susan Easler from the 3rd grade told me. "Sponge Bob was going off by the time I got home. Poo on Obama."

"My dad says he's really social, like some guy named Hitler, and he doesn't like him." said little Franky Wallace from the 4th grade. His classmate Jimmy was standing there and added, "Well my mom says he's giving change to everybody, but I wish he was giving dollars so my mom could afford to buy me a Nintendo Wii."

Mary Fletcher, a furious mother whom I met after school, was eager to let me know why this controversy was so important. "We need to do everything we can for these children," she exclaimed, "if it means putting them in the middle of a political controversy at the risk of alienating themselves from some of their peers, forcing them to watch CNN or FOX news rather then doing their homework or playing outside, it's what has to be done for our side to win."

She went on and on about her political views, but honestly my mind drifted off and I even forgot to have my tape recorder on at that point. I didn't even understand which side of the controversy she was on, but it's all the same emotional hyperbole on both sides anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Her child waiting impatiently by the car was really the one loosing out on this I thought. Seeing an enraged parent and not understanding fully why some guy on TV creates such a fuss. They just wanna be kids and have fun, they don't care about any of this political crap, and they're being thrown in the middle of it by everyone. Until they get older and are able to form their own prejudices and bias' themselves they can't help but be easily manipulated political pawns on the chessboard of politics.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Gov. Sanford Opens Junk Yard in Spartanburg

Governor Mark Sanford called it quits in the world of politics recently, and while most thought he'd run off to Argentina, or at least leave the state, Spartanburg has received him with open arms since he announced his decision to move here and open up a junkyard with his illegitimate son Lamont. He kept the existence of this eldest son a secret all these years due to his political ambitions, and because Lamont's mother, Elizabeth, was never married to Sanford.

"I'm really happy pops and I are going to be living and working together." Lamont said, sitting on the bumper of the old flatbed work truck, which they use for their recently purchased junk yard on California avenue and Howard street in Spartanburg. "I've always been very proud of my old man, and we've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm really looking forward to making up for all those years where all I could do was just read about him and his political career, never getting to see him."

Lamont's mother passed away in 1993, and he went to live with his aunt Esther and uncle Woodrow here in town. "That Sanford is a no good heathen snake for doing what he did to that wife and those young'uns of his." declared Esther. "The Lord will surely strike him down, if he decides to get his almighty hands dirty." she continued. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and it looks like he's done givin' to that no good sucka."

Just as she had said those words, Sanford himself came around the corner and piped in, "Back in your cave you old bat!!" He shouted, "Don't listen to that old crocodile. She's a fish head eatin' ol' slimy snake."

"You're the fish-eyed old fool." Esther shouted back, " heathen."

Lamont stood up and tried to calm things down at that point, "Pops, settle down. Aunt Esther, pops is tryin' to do the right thing here, starting fresh, right pops?" to Sanford's reply, "Yeah son, first thing I'm gonna do tomorrow morning is freshen up, and then put up an electric fence. That might keep Godzilla here out, it worked in the movies." speaking of Esther. "Anything to keep her scaly lizard behind outta our junk yard."

Lamont then asked, "Pops, do you always have to attack aunt Esther like this?"

"Yeah." replied Sanford. "Until they find some kinda cure for her."

Esther then said, "Well I never." as she started walking to her car.

"Well maybe you should." quipped Sanford. "You big Dummy!"

After that the interview was basically over. Sanford was agitated to the point where answering any of my questions was, well, out of the question, and Lamont was trying to calm him down with little success. A shocking moment soon followed where Sanford thought he was having a heart attack, shouting, "This is the big one!! I'm coming to join you Elizabeth! This is it!" revealing how much love he had for his mistress from his other affair, long ago with Lamont's mother.

It's kind of a sad story, and a happy one, all in one. A father and son reunited, all because of a nationally publicized political scandal of adultery, and the case of a dad totally ruining fathers day for his other kids, on an epic scale. It really is like a crazy case of karma. Esther delivering the wrath for his misdeeds, while his time with his son making the balance complete. Such vast extremes for a golden mean, and all that junk.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

End of the World Party Ends in Disappointment

On the outskirts of Spartanburg county, the area known as Pauline has been the home of a strange and yet small eccentric bunch. Damien Crowley, cult leader and owner of the Morning Star church and crematorium, has been working overtime in anticipation for this past Thursday, when he was certain the end was nigh.

"I've been forsaken, by my overlords and underlings both." A distraught Damien confided this evening, "The only thing I can figure is the real 09/20/09 hasn't come yet. The Gregorian calendar must be flawed."

The once lively underground temple of the group is now a virtual ghost town. As many as 65 people gave away all their material wealth to live in little shacks and tents in the woods, behind the huge storage building that housed Crowley and his crematorium equipment. All his followers had said their goodbyes to one another by Friday morning, and some have already hired lawyers to sue Crowley.

"He was like a father, a mother, a brother, and a dirty minded uncle all in one." said an ex-cult member who wishes to remain anonymous. "We were all certain at the stroke of midnight the aliens would come down and swoop us up in their psychedelic spaceships, and then we'd be planet hopping, traveling from one space party to the next. When nothing happened at midnight we were more then willing to give it the benefit of the doubt and wait, but the hours just kept going by."

Damien convincingly held firm at his podium for hours, but his momentum reportedly slacked up around four that morning.

"We didn't have any beer at that point," explained another ex-cultist, "..hell, we thought we'd be halfway across the galaxy by then, so some of the group went on a beer run but they never came back. Needless to say we were all getting restless, and Crowley was having a breakdown."

The group dispersed little by little, some excusing themselves to the bathroom and never returning, while others stormed out making a scene.

"Man, you should have seen it, I jumped up and said, I'm not gonna do what you think I'm gonna do, and flip out! man," another ex-cult member said, waving his arms wildly in the air, describing his revolt towards the leader after several hours had past and no spaceships had landed. "I then said to the entire group, but all I wanna know is who's coming with me? Everyone was dumbfounded, but my friend Jan finally said she would, after declaring herself a lesbian."

"I just wanted to be clear that I wasn't gonna be his girlfriend, is why I said that." remarked Jan. "Damien was kind of a weird dude anyway, and living in the woods sucked."

The group has disbanded and Crowley is left alone in his storage building, a shell of his former self. "I'll figure out what went wrong, and they'll be sorry for leaving once I'm on Pluto doing keg stands." A distraught Crowley mumbled after I asked him simply, what now?

"I'll probably move away, sell my crematorium equipment, start over, join another emo band I guess. I have some calendars to study, to figure out when the real 09/20/09 is gonna catch up to us. It was a pretty good end of the world party though, just because the world didn't end shouldn't matter really. As long as everyone had a good time, that's what should be important."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Confused Protesters Gather at Cornhole Event

Outraged parents and community members alike gathered outside the Spartanburg Memorial Auditorium Sunday to protest what they thought to be a rancorous display of sin and debauchery after the Herald Journal and several other media outlets ran an ad promoting a "Cornhole" event for that day.

"How were we to know it's just a sport." commented Gene Dillard, who said he'd hoped to yell scripture versus at participants as they entered and left the building. "What else was I to think 'cornholin' meant?"

Joan Dillard, a 3rd grade teacher and active church member said, "I had made all sorts of delicious brownies and muffins to give to the sinners. I hoped to let them know that Jesus loves them, and they still have a chance at eternal happiness if they just repent their sinful ways and except Jesus Christ into their hearts as lord and savior. Then I found out it's just some football tailgate party, horseshoe game, so I took my treats and went home. It was kinda disappointing."

The organizer of the Cornhole sporting event, Ryan Keith, was puzzled when he saw protesters starting to gather hours before things got underway. "I thought they were out there protesting something the police station across the street did or something, or maybe something to do with the Krispy Kreme doughnut shop next door." He remarked, "I was so busy preparing for the event inside I didn't give it much thought really."

Finally, after hours of the crowd getting worked up, an arriving Cornhole participant explained it was all a misunderstanding over the protesters snarls and shouts, and the announcement was made. So many people were confused by the advertisements bearing the name of the sport a huge crowd had gathered by that point, all speculating as to what the event was really about.

"I don't mind them doing what they do in the privacy of their own home, but don't flaunt it in my face. Certainly don't make a sport out of it!" commented a protester before the announcement was made.

"It must be like some sorta Greco-Roman wrestling, and hog-tying match is all I can figure." exclaimed one aged man, and "Save your soul, no cornhole" was the chant that finally prompted a participant of the sporting event to explain the misunderstanding.

Following the announcement the angry mob dispersed after several minutes of confusion, leading some to a chuckle with relief, while leaving others disappointed.

"We had really hoped to convert some sinners into our flock today." said local minister Frederick Banks. "Finding out most of these sportsmen are good Christian folk already kinda screws up my afternoon, I could be on the golf course right now."

It's good to report on a protest with a happy ending, and despite the misunderstand and confusion it created, the Cornhole event went on as planned. For a new locally organized sport on the rise, it sure has created quite a stir with townsfolk from all over the area, and all walks of life.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

PPPN's "Where Are They Now?" - Local Disgruntled Waffle House Cook that Regreted Postponing Culinary School

When we last heard from Bobby Ringo he was having a tough week. His wife took his son and moved into her new lovers house, Bobby's ex-best friend Chuck's place. Bobby was hit with a notice that he'd now be paying child support, he was evicted from his apartment, his car was breaking down, and his hours were cut drastically by his hateful teenage boss at the local Waffle House where he worked.

Unless you don't own a TV, or simply don't watch the news, or maybe live in a cave where you never see another soul who happens to watch the news, then you're probably familiar with Bobby's bizarre local criminal trial that followed.

After kidnapping his ex-best friend Chuck and leaving him in the basement of an old abandoned factory downtown, his leg chained to the wall with a rusted hacksaw within reach, he didn't expect Chuck, now confined to a wheelchair, to press charges afterwords.

Bobby explains, "I figured he knew what he did was wrong, the police wouldn't do anything about it, so I took the law into my own hands. The cops don't like it when you do that though, come to find out."

There were video cameras set up at various locations in the downtown warehouse, apparently linked to Bobby's video control room, located a few miles away.

"I was just really mad, ya know? I mean hell, my whole world came crashing down in a matter of a week. I was lashing out, and he seemed to be the most obvious target at the time."

The cops soon found Bobby and hauled him to prison. The court case made national news and he was sentenced to life without parole. Bobby was distraught in jail, he had never stayed locked up for more then a few days after a DUI. He soon found a way to brighten up his life though when he applied to be a cook inside the big house.

"Now I'm doing what I love again, and I'm the happiest I've been in years. I don't have to worry about paying any bills, there's no bill collectors calling constantly in here, and I get plenty of sleep and reading in everyday."

Aside from the typical downsides of being in jail, the beatings, the gang rapes, Bobby loves his new found life. Although bad things happen on the inside still, he tells me now he doesn't think it's going to be so bad, at least until his new best friend Bubba is released.

"I'm somebodies bitch."

So his sex life has taken a turn for the worse, even though before it was nonexistent. He spends most of his day in the kitchen, cooking for the hundreds of prisoners at any given time in Spartanburg County's correctional facility.

"It somehow gives meaning to me being in here. I feel if I only brighten up one persons day by flavoring the food to the best of my ability, using what little seasonings and ingredients I have to work with in here, it makes it all worth while."

Bobby will bounce back a better man for all of this, I'm sure. One day, many years from now, maybe he can someday still get around to going to culinary school, and be a chef on that cruise boat like he always dreamed.

"It's not likely that they'd hire convicted felons, but maybe I could work in the cafeteria of a local school. I'd make sure the kids know not to take the summer off to postpone college after they graduate high school, that's for sure."

New Inconvenience Store Opens on the West Side

The west side of Spartanburg, it is said, has been overrun with big chain stores, and corporate franchises much to the dismay of some local grassroots enthusiasts. For those that still take the initiative to support locally owned businesses, there is one more addition to their list of homegrown shops.

Local entrepreneur, Ben Stevens, recently opened up a shop on W.O. Ezell with a unique theme. He hopes to compete with the big name stores with the help of locally minded folks here in town. His 'inconvenience store' is probably unlike any other you've ever seen. Boasting the lowest prices in town, we caught up with him yesterday where he explained how he maintains such bargains.

"Seeing how it's an inconvenience store, lowering the expectations of service allows me to cut corners and pass the savings along to the customers. This way I can stay competitive with corporate chains." explains Stevens. "For instance, we sell bags of ice for almost half the price of our competitors, the only thing is you have to go into our freezer and hack away at a block the size of a car, and bag it yourself."

When asked to elaborate on what else is unique about his store, Stevens replied, "The price of cigarettes have skyrocketed this year, but ours are always less then a dollar. Although we're sure not to have your brand, or any brand you've probably ever heard of for that matter, it's just another way to pass along the savings."

After hearing that their store keeps their gas prices under two dollars a gallon, I was eager to hear how that was possible from Stevens. "It's simple." he replied, "We have hand levers located on the side of each of the gas pumps. It takes a little longer to fill up, but other then a few cases of over exertion and heat exhaustion this summer, people are thrilled to be saving money on what is probably their biggest expense."

When asked what is the most common complaint heard from customers, Stevens thought for a few moments and said, "Well, seeing how the entire shop is totally inconvenient, as in, you have to walk up three flights of stairs to enter the store, the front doors are extremely heavy and it usually takes two people to pull them open, our shelves inside are really high and customers have to climb a rickety old step ladder to get their stuff, which are not brand names and usually out of date, but one of the most common complaints I've heard, aside from the fact that our drinks are always warm, and there is no air conditioning in the store, is the excessive waits customers have to go through, taking a number and waiting for the cashier to decide when to finally ring them up. Another, I guess, is the Kenny G blaring through the store's inside and outside speakers 24/7, but sometimes we play it backwards, which makes it sound even worse."

I was wondering if all this was really worth the savings being passed on to the public, to which Stevens was quick to reply. "What choice do people have, they can always take their business elsewhere and get taken for all they've got, supporting 'the evil corporations' and all. In case you haven't noticed, prices are rising everyday. I think even with the inconvenience of the place, we are sure to have a steady clientele for a very long time, if for nothing else, then because people can't afford shopping elsewhere, and it's fun to see people suffer." Taken back by his last remark, I asked him if he was some sort of sadomasochist or something, to which he laughed and said, "Could be, I haven't thought about it that way, but our security cameras throughout the place are always recording, and I plan on making a compilation of the best reactions of the customers. The internet has opened up a whole new market for people suffering on film. I'll just edit in that Benny Hill theme song, and it'll bring in a little extra cash on the side, and that's always a good thing."

Ben Stevens' inconvenience store might have an inconvenienced clientele, but it seems his strange methods of passing along savings is a solid plan, possibly to be mimicked by other faltering locally run shops. If you plan on swinging through to save some money though, please make sure you have at least an hour to kill. Between literally pumping your own gas, hiking up a virtual mountain of rickety stairs, and waiting for the clerk to check you out at their convenience, you're bound to be late for wherever you're headed.

"I'd just like to add that we now are selling chicken in the store." Stevens bolstered. "You'll have to cook it yourself though, and you'll find it adds to the already sweltering temperature of the establishment, but it's only a dollar. You won't find lunch that cheap anywhere else in town, that's for sure."

So as prices rise along with unemployment, and the worth of our money plummets, you too may find yourself in Stevens' inconvenience store, sitting there for what may seem an eternity, listening to Kenny G, and hoping the clerk will eventually come back and call out your number.

Stevens' inconvenience store is open Monday through Friday, 4am, till 4pm. Mention you heard about their establishment from this article and receive a ten percent discount on everything in the store. Happy shopping.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Spartanburg County Zoo for Famous Animals Gets New Star

Hollywild Animal park, in northwest Spartanburg county, is preparing to welcome possibly its most famous addition to date. Known for housing some of the most famous creatures that have ever been in television and movies, the parks Cinema Animal Talent agency often provides rare and unusual animals for film productions, commercials and special events.

Some of their more recognizable critters include Tank, the only celebrity white rhino in the US, the monkeys from the Pipi Longstockings film, and the Zebra from that B-52's music video.

The Hollywild staff has been especially aflutter with excitement this week making preparations for its newest and brightest celebrity star, Grover, from the iconic television series Sesame Street.

"Grover's is a sad story of sorts" Dennis Hodges, operation supervisor of the park explains. "This is virtually a last resort for the once thriving megastar. After traveling the country for years, having some of the greatest adventures ever documented on prime time TV, and with a long history of theatrical performance, he has agreed to join the Hollywild family as a court mandated condition of his extended probation."

Two years ago, you may remember Grover being in the news facing charges of fraud, money laundering, and embezzlement on a massive scale. He was sentenced to three consecutive life sentences for a ponzi scheme that made ENRON look like nothing more then a bounced check. His fame allegedly granted him insider access with New York's mafia crime syndicate, Mexico's most elite drug cartels, and even some of the top bankers at the Vatican in Rome. He was virtually a kingpin in an international conspiracy the likes of which has never been seen in history.

I asked Mr. Hodges what special preparations are being made for Grover's arrival that he can share with us. "Well, something new that may take some getting used to for visitors is the presence of armed guards around the perimeter of the park, and the security checkpoints with metal detectors that are being set up as well." he said. "It's just a precautionary measure, we don't really expect any trouble out of him."

When asked about the looming guard towers and electric razor wire being installed, Hodges had this to say. "It may seem like a little much at first, but we feel we can still maintain a suitable family environment for our visitors to feel comfortable, but mainly they'll know that they are safe and secure under the watchful eye of multi-jurisdictional task force agents patrolling the grounds."

When asked exactly what kind animal Grover is, Hodges shrugged his shoulders and said, "Beats me, all I know is he's sure to bring in business by the busload. We're thrilled to have him aboard."

Grover will do three performances a day in his indefinite stay at Hollywild, entertaining children and adults alike. Every Saturday he will be teaching classes on the art of mime and making balloon animals, and Sundays he is expected to perform a special three hour show which will vary from week to week, showcasing his own creative talents.

"We think it's important to keep him busy working on his art, that way he has less time to conjure up schemes which may include any sort of criminal activity." Hodges added. "Of course, we'll be monitoring him 24/7, especially when he interacts with the children. Guards will always be an earshot away, prepared to use lethal force if necessary."

So pack a picnic lunch, or plan on dining at one of the Hollywild concession complexes. The kids will be thrilled to see the lovable Grover in the flesh, or fuzz rather. Be sure to leave cellphones, cameras, video or audio recording devices of any kind at home, and anything that could possibly be mistaken for a weapon. Come out with the kids and plan on having a great time at the newly renovated Hollywild Animal Park. You'll be glad you did.

Local Disgruntled Waffle House Cook Regrets Postponing Culinary School

When Bobby Ringo graduated from Dorman High School he had big dreams of becoming a culinary legend. He took that following summer off rather then going straight to college, met a girl, and moved into an apartment downtown where they had the time of their lives partying and living what seemed to be the good life. They soon discovered they were to be parents, so Bobby found a job at the local Waffle House to make ends meat, temporarily postponing his dreams in order to start a family.

That was four years ago. Bobby's dream is still alive in his heart, but further out of reach then ever. "I should be making fillet mignon on a cruise ship halfway to the Caribbean by now, instead I'm stuck here making waffles and patty melts for drunk truckers at 3am every night."

Despite his attempts to put money aside for culinary classes at Spartanburg technical college, life has had a funny way of surprising him with little expenses. The wife's wardrobe, his son's health insurance, DUI's, bills have a tendency of piling up for Bobby.

"I'm up to my eyeballs in debt, my wife is addicted to pain pills, and my son loves Sponge Bob but won't give his old man the time of day, but who's complaining. Life is great. Sometimes I think I should start working at the gas station, at least then there's the possibility someone might rob the place and shoot me dead."

Bobby likes to kid around, but he knows he has it made. His wife TiVo's the race for him every Sunday when he has to work late, his best friend Chuck has a boat where they go fishing on their days off, and Bobby and his family enjoy the finest view of Spartanburg from their seventh floor apartment in the Skyler building downtown.

"The view is great, you have a point there. Sometimes I wish I could afford a gun so I could go on a sniper killing spree before jumping to my death, leaving this shit-hole of a world behind."

Sure, things could have worked out differently for Bobby in the long run. There is a lot to be said for the quiet life though, making an honest living in a small town, and raising a loving family.

"Day after day I come home smelling like hashbrowns and sausage. The wife and I hardly talk anymore, unless she's yelling about bill collectors calling, and my boss is a teenage retard that likes to belittle me in front of the customers. I need that job though if I wanna make rent every month, living paycheck to paycheck."

This past week has been especially tough for Bobby. He discovered his wife is having an affair with his best friend Chuck, they cut his hours at work, and he received an eviction notice and a summons to family court for denial of custody and an issuance of child support for his son. To top things off, his transmission is going out in his car, and it's starting to burn when he pees.

"I don't know where I'm gonna go, what I'm gonna do. My life is ruined. I should have never took that summer off after high school!!"

Tune in next time for the dramatic conclusion. Will Bobby check into a shelter? Take up heavy drinking again? Join the army? Go on a killing spree? These answers and more, in our next installment of, "Bobby Ringo, the local disgruntled Waffle House cook that regrets postponing culinary school."

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Killer Kudzu Crisis Over - Residents Will Rebuild

As we've reported over the last several days, disaster has struck the typically quaint and quiet little town of Boiling Springs, located within Spartanburg County. In our last update we brought to you an exclusive photo of one of the 'killer kudzu' monsters on a rampage in the Sonic Drive-in parking lot, located on Highway 9. We are relieved to report the national guard says the leafy beasts have been burnt and destroyed, and order is soon to be restored in the community.

"We lost a lot of fine men in this battle." said 1st class Sargent Bailey in the much awaited press conference that had been rescheduled for today. "At first we thought it was a hopeless situation. Our artillery shells would cut right through them, and nothing seemed to slow them down. Luckily we had a well trained flamethrower squad on hand. Fire seemed to be the only thing that worked, even though it was a slow and tedious process, as they were very green, and the recent rains these past few days hindered our progress significantly."

The mad scientist that was believed to be responsible for the creation of the genetically lethal strand of kudzu has been found. After several hours of waterboarding and other forms of 'interrogation' Dr. Emmit Brown is believed to be innocent of all charges.

"He maintained his innocence through extreme questioning, and even after we waterboarded the hell out of him he swore he wasn't involved still." Lieutenant Herald Carny said in a brief statement today. "I had my doubts, but after we made him listen to several hours of Vanilla Ice's heavy metal album and he still claimed to be innocent, I knew we had the wrong guy. In all my years of service to my country, I know that no one can take that kind of abuse and still not confess.

As business and homeowners are slowly let back into the area, some left with nothing but a leafy pile of rubble where their homes once stood, all that's left to do is pick up the pieces.

"It's all gone, my whole life was in that house." said Patricia Blanchard, homeowner and mother of two sons.

Her youngest son, Mathew, cried out with a whimper, "My X-box, my Nintendo Wii, even my DVD collection, it's all gone!" As mother and son embraced, he asked with a sob, "Are we even going to be able to get internet access now mom? Mom!?!" her reply, "I don't know son, I just don't know."

The carnage strikes deep in this once peaceful suburban community. A candle light vigil is planed in memory of the fallen soldiers who've lost their lives fighting against the terrorist weed that wreaked havoc on the town. Nearby schools are preparing to except local students from the area, and local officials are hoping federal assistance will relieve some of the burdens of rebuilding local infrastructure.

"At least the Wal-Mart is still standing." said one optimistic resident, Walt Petit, as he walked down the once thriving communities main road, highway 9. "First thing I'm doing is buying all the weed killer they got. We're gonna start a gardeners militia, and make sure this never happens again."

It's sure to be a long and drawn out process to get things back to normal, and many residents are bound to pick up and start over elsewhere. Some though, like Michael Kerring, a lifelong resident who grew up here, has no plans of going anywhere. "This place is all I know. I'm gonna start me an asphalt company and turn this whole town into a parking lot. I plan on raising my kids here, and I'll see to it this never happens to them."

Mixed emotions rule in the community. Ranging from despair to hope, fear to anger. All justified, all tragic. Life will go on for this small community though, if only one day at a time. Folks here will learn what it means to have to rely on neighbors, and depend on each other. Hopefully out of this tragedy the town will bounce back stronger and more headstrong then ever, taking their fate into their own hands, and truly being thankful for their fellow citizens kind hearts, and helping hands.