Friday, August 28, 2009

Gov. Sanford Opens Junk Yard in Spartanburg

Governor Mark Sanford called it quits in the world of politics recently, and while most thought he'd run off to Argentina, or at least leave the state, Spartanburg has received him with open arms since he announced his decision to move here and open up a junkyard with his illegitimate son Lamont. He kept the existence of this eldest son a secret all these years due to his political ambitions, and because Lamont's mother, Elizabeth, was never married to Sanford.

"I'm really happy pops and I are going to be living and working together." Lamont said, sitting on the bumper of the old flatbed work truck, which they use for their recently purchased junk yard on California avenue and Howard street in Spartanburg. "I've always been very proud of my old man, and we've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm really looking forward to making up for all those years where all I could do was just read about him and his political career, never getting to see him."

Lamont's mother passed away in 1993, and he went to live with his aunt Esther and uncle Woodrow here in town. "That Sanford is a no good heathen snake for doing what he did to that wife and those young'uns of his." declared Esther. "The Lord will surely strike him down, if he decides to get his almighty hands dirty." she continued. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, and it looks like he's done givin' to that no good sucka."

Just as she had said those words, Sanford himself came around the corner and piped in, "Back in your cave you old bat!!" He shouted, "Don't listen to that old crocodile. She's a fish head eatin' ol' slimy snake."

"You're the fish-eyed old fool." Esther shouted back, " heathen."

Lamont stood up and tried to calm things down at that point, "Pops, settle down. Aunt Esther, pops is tryin' to do the right thing here, starting fresh, right pops?" to Sanford's reply, "Yeah son, first thing I'm gonna do tomorrow morning is freshen up, and then put up an electric fence. That might keep Godzilla here out, it worked in the movies." speaking of Esther. "Anything to keep her scaly lizard behind outta our junk yard."

Lamont then asked, "Pops, do you always have to attack aunt Esther like this?"

"Yeah." replied Sanford. "Until they find some kinda cure for her."

Esther then said, "Well I never." as she started walking to her car.

"Well maybe you should." quipped Sanford. "You big Dummy!"

After that the interview was basically over. Sanford was agitated to the point where answering any of my questions was, well, out of the question, and Lamont was trying to calm him down with little success. A shocking moment soon followed where Sanford thought he was having a heart attack, shouting, "This is the big one!! I'm coming to join you Elizabeth! This is it!" revealing how much love he had for his mistress from his other affair, long ago with Lamont's mother.

It's kind of a sad story, and a happy one, all in one. A father and son reunited, all because of a nationally publicized political scandal of adultery, and the case of a dad totally ruining fathers day for his other kids, on an epic scale. It really is like a crazy case of karma. Esther delivering the wrath for his misdeeds, while his time with his son making the balance complete. Such vast extremes for a golden mean, and all that junk.

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