Saturday, August 1, 2009
Killer Kudzu Crisis Over - Residents Will Rebuild
As we've reported over the last several days, disaster has struck the typically quaint and quiet little town of Boiling Springs, located within Spartanburg County. In our last update we brought to you an exclusive photo of one of the 'killer kudzu' monsters on a rampage in the Sonic Drive-in parking lot, located on Highway 9. We are relieved to report the national guard says the leafy beasts have been burnt and destroyed, and order is soon to be restored in the community.
"We lost a lot of fine men in this battle." said 1st class Sargent Bailey in the much awaited press conference that had been rescheduled for today. "At first we thought it was a hopeless situation. Our artillery shells would cut right through them, and nothing seemed to slow them down. Luckily we had a well trained flamethrower squad on hand. Fire seemed to be the only thing that worked, even though it was a slow and tedious process, as they were very green, and the recent rains these past few days hindered our progress significantly."
The mad scientist that was believed to be responsible for the creation of the genetically lethal strand of kudzu has been found. After several hours of waterboarding and other forms of 'interrogation' Dr. Emmit Brown is believed to be innocent of all charges.
"He maintained his innocence through extreme questioning, and even after we waterboarded the hell out of him he swore he wasn't involved still." Lieutenant Herald Carny said in a brief statement today. "I had my doubts, but after we made him listen to several hours of Vanilla Ice's heavy metal album and he still claimed to be innocent, I knew we had the wrong guy. In all my years of service to my country, I know that no one can take that kind of abuse and still not confess.
As business and homeowners are slowly let back into the area, some left with nothing but a leafy pile of rubble where their homes once stood, all that's left to do is pick up the pieces.
"It's all gone, my whole life was in that house." said Patricia Blanchard, homeowner and mother of two sons.
Her youngest son, Mathew, cried out with a whimper, "My X-box, my Nintendo Wii, even my DVD collection, it's all gone!" As mother and son embraced, he asked with a sob, "Are we even going to be able to get internet access now mom? Mom!?!" ..to her reply, "I don't know son, I just don't know."
The carnage strikes deep in this once peaceful suburban community. A candle light vigil is planed in memory of the fallen soldiers who've lost their lives fighting against the terrorist weed that wreaked havoc on the town. Nearby schools are preparing to except local students from the area, and local officials are hoping federal assistance will relieve some of the burdens of rebuilding local infrastructure.
"At least the Wal-Mart is still standing." said one optimistic resident, Walt Petit, as he walked down the once thriving communities main road, highway 9. "First thing I'm doing is buying all the weed killer they got. We're gonna start a gardeners militia, and make sure this never happens again."
It's sure to be a long and drawn out process to get things back to normal, and many residents are bound to pick up and start over elsewhere. Some though, like Michael Kerring, a lifelong resident who grew up here, has no plans of going anywhere. "This place is all I know. I'm gonna start me an asphalt company and turn this whole town into a parking lot. I plan on raising my kids here, and I'll see to it this never happens to them."
Mixed emotions rule in the community. Ranging from despair to hope, fear to anger. All justified, all tragic. Life will go on for this small community though, if only one day at a time. Folks here will learn what it means to have to rely on neighbors, and depend on each other. Hopefully out of this tragedy the town will bounce back stronger and more headstrong then ever, taking their fate into their own hands, and truly being thankful for their fellow citizens kind hearts, and helping hands.