Friday, July 31, 2009

Pervert Ghost Creeps Out Converse College Students

It's a commonly known fact that luminous spirits and mischievous ghosts have been witnessed at Spartanburg's Converse college, a liberal arts, and residential college for women. The usual bumps in the night and playful trickery that have come to be expected in the girls dorms, however, have been replaced by the haunting vision of a creepy old specter of a man that has worn out his welcome.

"He shows up every time I get in the shower." sophomore music major, Kristin Powell exclaimed. "Some of the other girls and I have to shower in bathing suits now, hoping he'll leave us alone. It just totally freaks everyone out."

There have been multiple complaints from almost all the dorms this past semester, leaving the faculty and administrators wondering if students will be willing to come back and live on campus next year.

"Like, I don't know how they expect me to study with some horny old dead guy wandering around here." remarks Jenny Hutchensin, a second year freshman. "I swear, like, sometimes late at night I can feel him breathing right on my neck. I'm just glad he can't, like, cop a feel or something. That would be totally gross. This one girl, Kimmy Bowers, said she woke up to him wanking off over her. She probably liked it though, slut."

The most frightening incident reported sent two girls screaming out into the night in their pajamas, refusing to come back inside the dorm, and dropping out of classes the next day. The girls names were asked not to be printed by staff, but one of their roommates had this to say. "They were total lesbians, and not even good looking ones. They were probably making out and creepy old Casper, is what we call it, probably tried to jump in the mix. They were failing class anyway, and I'm glad to have a room all to myself now."

There are a few students who don't believe in ghosts, like senior arts and science major Kelly Benson. "Even if there was some poor wandering soul, trapped in this world, unable to find the light or whatever, which I seriously think is funny, because, come on, please, hello McFly, like, it's so very unscientific, but if there is something to it all, I think it's kinda cute."

Parents are more concerned over their daughters safety then anything, and administrators are having a hard time comforting them with the rise of sightings and incidents that have occurred recently. "We've had experts come in and do tests on water quality, thinking maybe it was something triggering some sort of mass hallucination." Sharon Forester informed us, a member of the faculty and staff at the college. "When that didn't check out we tested the food in the cafeteria, ran analysis on everything from the paint on the dorm walls, to the fabric of the furniture, all dead ends. It seems our last resort may be to call in some sort of paranormal expert or something, but that would almost certainly make a mockery of our facility. We're at our wits end over this, frankly."

Things seem to be reaching a crescendo with the situation at the all girls college. Students are ever more frequently reporting missing underwear, and one girl said when she saw the ghost he was wearing makeup and fishnet stockings, leaving some to speculate the spirit may have sexual identity issues, which does little but creep out the students even more.

The hope is that the creepy perverted spirit will simply go away. Though few expect ignoring the haunt will work, that's the only option there seems to be for those living on campus for now.

Local Homeless Man Cashing in With His Unorthodox Art

Chuck Brewster, virtually an unknown homeless man living in the woods somewhere within walking distance of downtown Spartanburg, has literally come out of the woodwork and taken the city's local art community by storm. Since he wandered up to the Hub-Bub's art gallery, 'the Showroom' last week, he has sold dozens of his works to art collectors in the area. His unorthodox style has met with stark criticisms from a few local artists, but those who hail his work as sheer genius, from afar, are certainly in the majority.

"I don't have much to work with out there in them woods, so I use what I got." Brewster shared with me in the short time I could get him alone for a quick interview. "It's mostly shit, blood, ..urine makes the yellow, and yeah, I'll catch me a squirrel and cut open its gale bladder for some blues and purples. I paint it all on either a stretched out cat hide, or if I can trap me a coon or something like that. I just won't use dogs, nope, gotta draw the line there."

Most of his critics say that his art stinks, in a literal sense, so Brewster came up with the idea to tie air fresheners on the frames. "Hell, these dang folks wanna throw all this money at me for this stuff, least I can do is get a good smelling tree for a dollar for'em. They're for cars really, but they work all the same I reckon."

(Parody Paper Press News Staff): Mr. Brewster, this past week must have been quite an experience for you, how has this changed your life so far, and please tell us how it all started.

(Brewster): Well, I've been making these for awhile now, a man has lots of time on his hands livin' in the woods ya know. One day I had drank too much mouthwash and I wandered into this art gallery somewhere downtown.

PPPN Staff: The Hub-Bub's Showroom?

Brewster: I reckon, they were gonna run me off, and I saw paintings and stuff, and I just happened to have one tucked down my britches, so I pulled it out and threw it at the young feller there's feet. His jaw dropped and he asked me where I got it from, like I stoled it or something, and I declared I made it, and that I gots more to prove it. So I brought more back and the feller wanted to buy'em all. So I was drinking good that night, and I ate something too.

PPPN Staff: So how has this past week been for you?

Brewster: I've been eating, drinking, and hell, I thought this one little ol' gal was sweet on me till she got a wiff of my drawers. She ran like the Dickens, I couldn't help but laugh though. I ain't ashamed though, hell.

PPPN Staff: Do you plan on getting real supplies now that you can afford them? I understand you've made quite a lot of money.

Brewster: Aww hell, I'll just keep doin' what I always do. I'm to old for change boy, I spent a lot of that money already anyways.

PPPN: Surly you'll make more paintings to sell, to make more money I mean.

Brewster: Well, since all this started I haven't been mindin' my coon traps, and it takes a while to make one of these like I do, I guess that's why they give me so much damn money. I don't know where these artsy fartsy folks get their money, but they sure got lots of it.

PPPN: I know you're a busy man Mr. Brewster

Brewster: Call me Chuck, boy. My daddy's Mr. Brewster, he's dead, but I made this here shit and squirrel bile painting of him here.

PPPN: That's mighty nice, Chuck.

Brewster: These folks are hollerin' for me over yonder, so I guess I better wander over and get some more of their money now. Nice talkin' to ya boy.

PPPN: Pleasure's mine, Chuck. Thanks for your time.

Without even showing his work in a gallery, Chuck Brewster has nearly sold out his entire personal collection. Everyone is curious as to if the truly eccentric artist can keep up with the overwhelming demand for his art. Will he disappear in the woods and emerge with new masterpieces? Will he squander his new found riches on expensive mouthwash and cough syrup? Will he shower? These questions and more, we here at Spartanburg Parody Paper Press News, hope to answer as we follow the story of the unorthodox eccentric, the artist, the vagabond, Chuck Brewster.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

UPDATE: Picture Leaked From Inside Boiling Springs

This Polaroid picture taken earlier today was somehow smuggled out of the Spartanburg community of Boiling Springs, which has been quarantined by the national guard. On the back of picture was written, "they're everywhere." implying there's more killer kudzu monsters other then the one shown here battling the national guard in the parking lot of the Sonic drive-thru restaurant on highway nine.

No further official statements have been issued, and those barricaded outside their community have remained peaceful so far. No deaths have been officially reported other then the couple at the Lil' Cricket on highway nine.

Stay tuned for further updates as this story unfolds.

National Guard Called to Fight 'Killer Kudzu' in Boiling Springs

As we reported yesterday, a new strain of 'killer kudzu' claimed two victims in Boiling Springs, and may be responsible for other missing persons in the area. A press conference scheduled for earlier today was postponed and the Boiling Springs community of Spartanburg has been completely isolated. The national guard has reportedly been called in and residents are being denied access to their homes and businesses without explanation or timetables. Also, many residents in the area are essentially trapped in their houses and are being forbidden to leave.

"Traffic is backed up for miles, and earlier there were tanks being brought in by the national guard." A concerned homeowner, Steve Wills, explains. "My wife and kids are in our house trapped like rats. The cellphones stopped working about 2pm, and an endless stream of army choppers are circling the area. I'm really worried about my family's safety."

The plumes of smoke have increased, and there have been multiple explosions reported by those stranded at the barricades waiting to get to their homes and loved ones inside. No word has been given if police have tracked down the prime suspect, self proclaimed mad scientist Dr. Emmit Brown, who is thought to have created this new strand of 'killer kudzu' unleashed on this unsuspecting community.

"Everything is under control, nothing to see here folks. Our orders are to hold this barricade until everything is officially cleared. We have authority to use lethal force if this barricade is breached, so please remain calm, and disperse in a peaceful manner." -is the recording looped over loudspeakers at the highway 9 blockade.

People have set up tents and local business owners are handing out blankets and food to what are essentially refugees in this ongoing crisis, now in its fourth day.

We here at Spartanburg's Parody Paper Press News will be bringing you updates as we receive any new information. Please check back for further word as these events unfold.

Downtown Marijuana March Canceled

A local parade in support of legalizing marijuana scheduled for this weekend in downtown Spartanburg has been called off due to poor planning. Barry 'Blaze' Lebowski, that was heading the organizing of the event, apparently had forgot all about it till yesterday evening when I showed up to interview him.

"We had just got some stellar nugs and have been doing whipit's for the past few days, and hell, I've just totally flaked I guess, ya know?" Lebowski said when I asked him about the event. "We were gonna have these girls dressed up in pot leaf suits, and my buddy Sparky was gonna borrow his dads RV and make banners on the side of it that says hemp is peace, hemp is love, and all. We were gonna roll right on through downtown Spartanburg, ending up at Krispy Kreme for a mega-munchie feast, it was gonna be righteous."

When asked if the event would still take place later this summer rather Lebowski replied, "I don't know dude, sounds too much like work to me, I got, like, stuff I need to do, and stuff, like, finding a job that doesn't piss test, and stuff, but it may still happen, or whatever."

Curious about what kind of turnout was expected for the event, I asked Lebowski about how many marchers in the parade were there expected to be, and if expected participants were disappointed the march wouldn't be taking place this weekend. "Like I said dude, I don't know. Hell, there might be people march still, I haven't called anyone or anything, there may be some of the crew show up still, but the chicks don't have their weed leaf outfits, and I don't think Sparky ever even asked his pops about the RV. Whatever, I gotta find someone holding, peace dude."

After cutting the interview short, Barry had his friend Sparky pick him up outside, where I asked him his opinion on the event. "What? My pops would never let me take the RV, I don't even know what you're talking about. A parade? Sounds cool though." After Barry explained the plans for the event briefly to him Sparky said, "Oh yeah, the parade. Yeah dude, we should totally do it, for sure but we gotta go dude, like, these dudes with the headies are like first come first serve with all that, so let us go. Good luck with your article dude."

Left standing there in the driveway of Barry's duplex apartment, I was left with the stark realization that the marijuana parade was simply a pipe dream conjured up by two bong totting hippies, and I've totally wasted my whole afternoon on this interview.

Local Pepsi and Coke Vendor Feud Ends in Disaster

Two local soda vendors ended up in Spartanburg county jail last night after running each others tractor trailers off the road and then fist fighting in the middle of Reidville road yesterday evening. Witnesses said the altercation lasted nearly an hour and ended in police having to use stun guns to separate the two battered and bloody vendors.

Malcolm Poindexter, an employee of Pepsi, and Dennis Rutledge, a Coco-Cola distributor, are both facing charges of assault and battery, malicious damage to public and private property, and public disorderly conduct.

In a telephone interview with Poindexter, he said things had been escalating for quite some time, starting off playfully enough, labeling the price of the others product with extra zeros to begin with, taking the others shelf space, and snagging hand-trucks used to carry product into stores.

"We were just kinda picking on one another, making work more fun it seemed, but he kept having to outdo me, and things got ugly pretty quickly." Poindexter explained.

Dennis Rutledge, the Coca-Cola vendor also made himself available for comment, saying, "We were really good friends, till he made off with a coke machine, getting me in a whole lot of trouble with the boss. I know I shouldn't have slashed his tires for it, but I was so angry."

Poindexter later retaliated by putting an offensive bumper sticker on Rutledge's Coke truck, derogatory towards law enforcement officers, which led to him spending the night in jail a few weeks ago. Rutledge would neither confirm nor deny responsibility for Poindexters subsequent arrest for the armed robbery of a local convenient store, which after 36 hours detainment was discovered to be a case of mistaken identity.

Apparently all this is what led up to the two tractor trailer trucks barreling through one of the busiest roads on the West side of Spartanburg yesterday, injuring seven commuters and putting numerous lives in jeopardy, just before both trucks jack-knifed after crossing the I-26 overpass. The two men are both out on bond and face numerous lawsuits aside from their initial charges.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

New Strand of 'Killer Kudzu' Wreaks Havok in Boiling Springs

The recent rise of missing persons in Spartanburg may be linked to a new strand of killer kudzu recently discovered in the area. Local resident, Carl Bates, was eye witness to the death of a Boiling Springs couple over the weekend at the Little Cricket convenient store just a few miles from his home.

"I had just pulled in the parking lot to get some gas and smokes when I heard the screaming. I thought it was just some kids fooling around till I saw the blood and a wall of kudzu rising up like a wave, probably eight feet high, and wrapping it's tentacle-like vines around the guys body. My first reaction was to help, but then I was like, screw that!!, so I took some pictures from the other side of the parking lot with my new digital camera."

It is speculated this new strand of killer kudzu may have originated from the private laboratory of self proclaimed mad scientist doctor Emmit Brown of Inman. Brown was not available for comment but the local authorities plan on questioning him once he is located.

"We've dealt with this nut job in the past," a local county officer said under the condition of anonymity. "There was a prior incident where we thought he had obtained plutonium a few years ago, but we were unable to locate it on his property. If he is responsible for this he will be held fully accountable."

The scene of the carnage has been isolated in hopes to find a way of destroying the genetically altered plant, but insiders say nothing they've tried has worked thus far. You can see plumes of smoke for miles where the best efforts are being made by officials to make the area safe once again, but nobody can say how far the plant has spread, or if anywhere is really safe for that matter.

A press conference is scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning where the chief of police will give a detailed update to the press. Till then citizens are advised to stay indoors and away from any and all vegetation and wooded areas for their own protection.

Traffic on highway 9 is hoped to be back to normal in a few days, but no definite conformation has been given at this time. Please stay tuned as updates will be posted as the information is dispersed.

Spartanburg's Sk8 Park Unveils New "Ramp of Death"

The newly opened skate park in Spartanburg unveiled its newest attraction this week. It's officially called the "Suicidal Ramp of Death," and was donated by the Morning Star Church and Crematorium. The new business was recently established in the Pauline area of the county earlier this year, and presented the ramp as a gift to the city and it's youth.

"It's a work of art, if I do say so myself." says Damien Crowley, owner and operator of the Morning Star facility. "That's not to say you'll underestimate its utility though, we gave it the name in a very literal sense. We understand there are a lot of troubled youth these days, and we feel it's important for them to understand that all manner of options are available. It's all about personal choice, and it's the responsibility for those choices which we're encouraging people to think about with this gift."

The ramp itself is a six foot tall half pipe with varying sizes of spikes on either side and rows in the middle to gracefully maneuver around. On the top rails there is stainless steel barbed razor wire and an array of large hooks and spikes as well.

When asked why this donation virtually came to pass overnight Crowley explained, "Well, this is the kind of thing parents are probably going to be a little upset about. Thinking the standard safety gear will save these kids from impending doom if they decide to try out this ramp is laughable at best, and to avoid any confrontation with potentially overprotective parents, we thought it better to come in and install this late last night. The full moon was out and it was a really nice night to work. It truly was a labor of love knowing some depressed child may find some permanent solution to one of those temporary problems in life."

The Morning Star Church and Crematorium is currently accepting applicants for coven membership. Damien Crowley can be reached by standard invention through a current church member, or you may send written applications via envelope to be deposited in the Stockhelm family mausoleum located in the Hells Gates cemetery near Converse College downtown. Their crematorium service operates by them contacting you when your loved ones passing is listed in the local obituary.

"We're new to the area so we wanted to let everyone know we're here and what we're about, somewhat." Crowley noted. "We also understand the hostility people often react with when confronting the idea of optional death devices. I'm a distant relative of Jack Kevorkian, president of his fan club, and also a republican. I think this ramp will really help some kids in need of some answers find some hard solutions, and it'll give my crematorium business just the push it needs to really get rolling. Hang ten little bummed out skater dudes!"

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Local Spartanburg Musician Depressed for Lack of Record Deal

James Pendersmith has dreamed of being a rockstar for the past several years and is totally depressed that record executives haven't already discovered his great talent. Using a casio keyboard for percussion, he always made sure he played his guitar really really loud in his garage with hopes of being overheard by a booking agent or talent scout passing through his neighborhood.

"When I realized I needed to get out there to bring my music to the masses, the first thing I knew I'd have to do was come up with a really really cool band name, then everything else would just fall into place." he said in his interview, where I caught up with him on his lunch break outside the Jack in the Box on East Main where he works.

"At first things weren't so good. There would only be a couple of people that showed up to see me play and I knew I had to do something drastic, so I renamed my band, 'Free Beer, Everyone Gets Laid' which worked for a few weeks until everyone figured out the beer wasn't free, and the only girl that usually showed up was my mom, and there's only so much of her to go around, ya know."

Pendersmith was essentially blacklisted from most of Spartanburg's venues by popular demand towards the beginning of the summer. He says it's due to the old band name, while others claim it's his choice of sloppy renditions of 'Hootie and the Blowfish' covers and 'Creed' tunes, with the occasional attempt at that one 'Ugly Kid Joe' song.

An outspoken critic, and fellow employee of Jack in the Box that was present after the interview explained, "He doesn't even play the songs all the way through, and he talks mostly about his cats and video games in between songs. He just sucks."

Things may be looking up for James though. He says he's going to be opening for the blues/soul/funk/beach music/and 80's cover band 'Sexual Chocolate' this fall at Sonny's Brickoven Pizza, in hopes to make a lasting impression on those who show up a few hours early.

He spoke downheartedly as he put back on his apron, preparing to go back to work, "If I don't at least get a record deal by the end of the year I might just hang it up. I've poured my heart and soul into my music for almost two whole years now and still haven't gotten any groupie action, it's definitely not like it is on TV."

He plans on creating a myspace page when he upgrades from a dial up connection, and writes and records some new songs, hopefully sooner then later, he mentioned.

"I must be way ahead of my time I guess, a lot of famous people weren't even discovered until after they were already dead, but I'm still trying to decide if that would be the best way to further my career. I may just give up music altogether and make abstract art. They let me take home food from work here after all, so at least I know I won't starve."

You can currently get a cassette tape of Pendersmith's music for $2 upon request if you inquire at the Jack in the Box on East Main street, Mondays through Thursdays from 4pm till midnight. Check your local listings for his opening show before 'Sexual Chocolate' does their soundcheck at Sonny's Brickoven Pizza in Spartanburg, SC this fall.