Friday, July 31, 2009

Pervert Ghost Creeps Out Converse College Students

It's a commonly known fact that luminous spirits and mischievous ghosts have been witnessed at Spartanburg's Converse college, a liberal arts, and residential college for women. The usual bumps in the night and playful trickery that have come to be expected in the girls dorms, however, have been replaced by the haunting vision of a creepy old specter of a man that has worn out his welcome.

"He shows up every time I get in the shower." sophomore music major, Kristin Powell exclaimed. "Some of the other girls and I have to shower in bathing suits now, hoping he'll leave us alone. It just totally freaks everyone out."

There have been multiple complaints from almost all the dorms this past semester, leaving the faculty and administrators wondering if students will be willing to come back and live on campus next year.

"Like, I don't know how they expect me to study with some horny old dead guy wandering around here." remarks Jenny Hutchensin, a second year freshman. "I swear, like, sometimes late at night I can feel him breathing right on my neck. I'm just glad he can't, like, cop a feel or something. That would be totally gross. This one girl, Kimmy Bowers, said she woke up to him wanking off over her. She probably liked it though, slut."

The most frightening incident reported sent two girls screaming out into the night in their pajamas, refusing to come back inside the dorm, and dropping out of classes the next day. The girls names were asked not to be printed by staff, but one of their roommates had this to say. "They were total lesbians, and not even good looking ones. They were probably making out and creepy old Casper, is what we call it, probably tried to jump in the mix. They were failing class anyway, and I'm glad to have a room all to myself now."

There are a few students who don't believe in ghosts, like senior arts and science major Kelly Benson. "Even if there was some poor wandering soul, trapped in this world, unable to find the light or whatever, which I seriously think is funny, because, come on, please, hello McFly, like, it's so very unscientific, but if there is something to it all, I think it's kinda cute."

Parents are more concerned over their daughters safety then anything, and administrators are having a hard time comforting them with the rise of sightings and incidents that have occurred recently. "We've had experts come in and do tests on water quality, thinking maybe it was something triggering some sort of mass hallucination." Sharon Forester informed us, a member of the faculty and staff at the college. "When that didn't check out we tested the food in the cafeteria, ran analysis on everything from the paint on the dorm walls, to the fabric of the furniture, all dead ends. It seems our last resort may be to call in some sort of paranormal expert or something, but that would almost certainly make a mockery of our facility. We're at our wits end over this, frankly."

Things seem to be reaching a crescendo with the situation at the all girls college. Students are ever more frequently reporting missing underwear, and one girl said when she saw the ghost he was wearing makeup and fishnet stockings, leaving some to speculate the spirit may have sexual identity issues, which does little but creep out the students even more.

The hope is that the creepy perverted spirit will simply go away. Though few expect ignoring the haunt will work, that's the only option there seems to be for those living on campus for now.


  1. Creepy old ghost was just taking a break from haunting the nu-way. The long afterlife does leave a lot of choices, disgusting lesbos or redneck cougars.

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