Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Spartanburg's Sk8 Park Unveils New "Ramp of Death"

The newly opened skate park in Spartanburg unveiled its newest attraction this week. It's officially called the "Suicidal Ramp of Death," and was donated by the Morning Star Church and Crematorium. The new business was recently established in the Pauline area of the county earlier this year, and presented the ramp as a gift to the city and it's youth.

"It's a work of art, if I do say so myself." says Damien Crowley, owner and operator of the Morning Star facility. "That's not to say you'll underestimate its utility though, we gave it the name in a very literal sense. We understand there are a lot of troubled youth these days, and we feel it's important for them to understand that all manner of options are available. It's all about personal choice, and it's the responsibility for those choices which we're encouraging people to think about with this gift."

The ramp itself is a six foot tall half pipe with varying sizes of spikes on either side and rows in the middle to gracefully maneuver around. On the top rails there is stainless steel barbed razor wire and an array of large hooks and spikes as well.

When asked why this donation virtually came to pass overnight Crowley explained, "Well, this is the kind of thing parents are probably going to be a little upset about. Thinking the standard safety gear will save these kids from impending doom if they decide to try out this ramp is laughable at best, and to avoid any confrontation with potentially overprotective parents, we thought it better to come in and install this late last night. The full moon was out and it was a really nice night to work. It truly was a labor of love knowing some depressed child may find some permanent solution to one of those temporary problems in life."

The Morning Star Church and Crematorium is currently accepting applicants for coven membership. Damien Crowley can be reached by standard invention through a current church member, or you may send written applications via envelope to be deposited in the Stockhelm family mausoleum located in the Hells Gates cemetery near Converse College downtown. Their crematorium service operates by them contacting you when your loved ones passing is listed in the local obituary.

"We're new to the area so we wanted to let everyone know we're here and what we're about, somewhat." Crowley noted. "We also understand the hostility people often react with when confronting the idea of optional death devices. I'm a distant relative of Jack Kevorkian, president of his fan club, and also a republican. I think this ramp will really help some kids in need of some answers find some hard solutions, and it'll give my crematorium business just the push it needs to really get rolling. Hang ten little bummed out skater dudes!"

1 comment:

  1. lmao! Great stuff! Good job on the "Morning Star Church" allusion :p