Wednesday, July 29, 2009
New Strand of 'Killer Kudzu' Wreaks Havok in Boiling Springs
The recent rise of missing persons in Spartanburg may be linked to a new strand of killer kudzu recently discovered in the area. Local resident, Carl Bates, was eye witness to the death of a Boiling Springs couple over the weekend at the Little Cricket convenient store just a few miles from his home.
"I had just pulled in the parking lot to get some gas and smokes when I heard the screaming. I thought it was just some kids fooling around till I saw the blood and a wall of kudzu rising up like a wave, probably eight feet high, and wrapping it's tentacle-like vines around the guys body. My first reaction was to help, but then I was like, screw that!!, so I took some pictures from the other side of the parking lot with my new digital camera."
It is speculated this new strand of killer kudzu may have originated from the private laboratory of self proclaimed mad scientist doctor Emmit Brown of Inman. Brown was not available for comment but the local authorities plan on questioning him once he is located.
"We've dealt with this nut job in the past," a local county officer said under the condition of anonymity. "There was a prior incident where we thought he had obtained plutonium a few years ago, but we were unable to locate it on his property. If he is responsible for this he will be held fully accountable."
The scene of the carnage has been isolated in hopes to find a way of destroying the genetically altered plant, but insiders say nothing they've tried has worked thus far. You can see plumes of smoke for miles where the best efforts are being made by officials to make the area safe once again, but nobody can say how far the plant has spread, or if anywhere is really safe for that matter.
A press conference is scheduled for 8am tomorrow morning where the chief of police will give a detailed update to the press. Till then citizens are advised to stay indoors and away from any and all vegetation and wooded areas for their own protection.
Traffic on highway 9 is hoped to be back to normal in a few days, but no definite conformation has been given at this time. Please stay tuned as updates will be posted as the information is dispersed.