Thursday, July 30, 2009

National Guard Called to Fight 'Killer Kudzu' in Boiling Springs

As we reported yesterday, a new strain of 'killer kudzu' claimed two victims in Boiling Springs, and may be responsible for other missing persons in the area. A press conference scheduled for earlier today was postponed and the Boiling Springs community of Spartanburg has been completely isolated. The national guard has reportedly been called in and residents are being denied access to their homes and businesses without explanation or timetables. Also, many residents in the area are essentially trapped in their houses and are being forbidden to leave.

"Traffic is backed up for miles, and earlier there were tanks being brought in by the national guard." A concerned homeowner, Steve Wills, explains. "My wife and kids are in our house trapped like rats. The cellphones stopped working about 2pm, and an endless stream of army choppers are circling the area. I'm really worried about my family's safety."

The plumes of smoke have increased, and there have been multiple explosions reported by those stranded at the barricades waiting to get to their homes and loved ones inside. No word has been given if police have tracked down the prime suspect, self proclaimed mad scientist Dr. Emmit Brown, who is thought to have created this new strand of 'killer kudzu' unleashed on this unsuspecting community.

"Everything is under control, nothing to see here folks. Our orders are to hold this barricade until everything is officially cleared. We have authority to use lethal force if this barricade is breached, so please remain calm, and disperse in a peaceful manner." -is the recording looped over loudspeakers at the highway 9 blockade.

People have set up tents and local business owners are handing out blankets and food to what are essentially refugees in this ongoing crisis, now in its fourth day.

We here at Spartanburg's Parody Paper Press News will be bringing you updates as we receive any new information. Please check back for further word as these events unfold.


  1. Can't they just beat the mad scientist at his own game with a toxic spill monster goat?

  2. Dr. Brown may be innocent after all, but the police feel he is the only one with the capacity to create such a mutated version of the kudzu plant locally.
    Alternately, he may be the only one with the know-how to stop this nemesis. An all points bulletin is out for him, needless to say. Every cop from here to Atlanta is keeping an eye out for a silver Delorean.

  3. Part one:
    "New Strand of 'Killer Kudzu" Reeks Havok in Boiling Springs"

    Part two:
    "National Guard Called to Fight 'Killer Kudzu' in Boiling Springs"

    Part three:
    "UPDATE: Picture Leaked From Inside Boiling Springs"

    Part four:
    "Killer Kudzu Crisis Over - Residents Will Rebuild"