Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.

Spartanburg's Inner-City Strippers Go On Strike

Tired of not getting paid enough for being objectified by men, strippers at Bob's Strip Club in Una-Saxon/Arcadia took to the streets in protest today. Spectators and photographers gathered at the club, some in support of the girls efforts, and some just to gawk at the scantly clad females.

The short burst of rain earlier didn't hinder onlookers from arriving, apparently it encouraged it, explains longtime dancer Kiki Bottoms. "It was totally fantastic, at first we thought, 'oh no!' but then we realized it was like a spontaneous wet T-shirt contest, everyone loved it!" When asked what exactly it is that she is protesting she said, "Oh, you know, men are such scumbags, and they're really cheap these days. They go on and on about their stupid wives and their stupid jobs, and I'm like, gawd, I don't get paid enough for this."

When I inquired what the owner of the bar thought about it all, dancer Dixie Trix got me up to speed. "Bob was killed by one of his girls a few years ago. I've heard he had it coming though. The sleazebag was shot with his own gun in one of the private rooms. His nephew runs the place now, but he lives in Vegas. I've only seen him a few times, and I've been here almost a year."

I wondered how the daily business was run if the proprietor was gone all the time, but seasoned dancer, Ilene Dover, was kind enough to explain. "We're basically an anarcho-independent collective, on the first and third week of the month we rotate out lead council for minor decisions, but all major decisions must be put to a vote and agreed to by 3/4ths of the bi-weekly trust members." To my reply that it sounded very complicated she was quick to say, "Not really, we just shake our tits and asses and men throw money at us. There really isn't much more to it then that."

I spent a moment talking with Lexxxi Luv, who was holding a sign that read, 'Equality & $$$$' and chanting with the others, 'You gotta pay to play or hell no we won't show!!' When asked what message she was trying to convey she said, "I'm tired of guys who only come in on BYOB night, when it's free admission, and not paying us girls anything. I've been stiffed so many times, it's really a pain in the ass, and we've had enough!"

"It's like a football tailgate party down here today." said spectator, and regular customer Hank Burns. "I called up my buddies from the bowling league, they're coming down when they get off work, bringing a video camera. We're gonna put this on youtube, hell yeah."

One thing's for certain, this is bound to bring business in from all over the county for the girls. In these hard economic times when belts are tight, these girls know how to loosen up a crowd of beer guzzling men and make them forget about their troubles. One of the most entertaining protests this reporter has ever seen, although the reasons are kinda vague, everyone is having a great time.