City Police Arrest Ederly Kool-Aid Mascot in Hampton Heights

Spartanburg Police have been on the lookout this past week for a giant walking pitcher of red liquid. Reports indicate it has been a virtual rampage of tens of thousands of dollars worth of destruction to private property over the past several days in mainly suburban homes around the downtown area of Spartanburg.

"We were just standing there in the break room making some kool-aid when all of the sudden it was like an explosion." Mary Collins, an eye witness to one of the incidents commented. "We thought it was terrorists at first, but then we saw a giant red thing, and he yelled in this booming voice, 'Oh Yeah!' ..I thought we were all dead for sure."

Police detectives say the incidents mostly happened in kitchens, or when someone was making a glass of kool-aid. "We set up a Sting operation, trying to trap the suspect," Sargent Waters told reporters today, "We prompted his appearance in a house in Hampton heights by pouring up some of the kool-aid beverage. We had a SWAT team laying in wait inside the suburban home."

The Kool-Aid man was arrested and given a psychological evaluation which resulted in discovering he suffers from dementia.

"I think he was just confused, and he certainly didn't want to hurt anyone" local psychologist Bill Kerrnal remarked. "He's into his 60's in age, but also has lived very much a life of hard knocks. We'll do our best to keep him from going to prison over this. He needs help, and being locked up like an animal won't do him, or anyone, any good."

For now, what the future has in store for the Kool-Aid man will be left up to the local courts to decide, but Spartanburg residents can sigh in relief that it's safe to enjoy a nice glass of kool-aid again without having to worry about doing major construction repair to their homes.

Spartanburg Procrastinators Club Meet-up Postponed

The Spartanburg procrastinators club was scheduled to hold their first meeting over the weekend at Sonny's brickoven pizza downtown, and part-time organizer Jeff Parsons was hoping for a high turnout.

"We had a lot of people that said they were attending on the facebook event page we created for this." said Parsons, "I admit the event should have been promoted earlier then a few days prior though. I just have so much stuff going on right now, and I only organize for this group in my spare time really."

Attending the meeting were Parsons and three others, who were unaware of the event itself, but just happened to be at the pizza place for drinks that evening.
The group decided to postpone the event for a yet to be decided upon date, in the near future possibly, sooner then later hopefully.

"Possible future events will be posted probably at least two weeks or so before the event itself more then likely," Parsons added, "unless a mutually convenient date is agreed upon by whoever thinks they might could meet wherever, whenever, or whatever. I'm sure it'll all come together sooner or later."

Masonic Coffee Mummy Ghost Mystery Solved

Four teens and their dog were arrested and released over the weekend at a new coffee shop downtown which until recently was a masonic temple. Claiming to be professional paranormal investigators, the teens allegedly were solving the mystery of the masonic mummy ghost, reportedly seen by several employees at the establishment.

"We were just enjoying some coffee when we heard a scream, and the girl working that day came running up from the basement in a panic." said Fred Jones, one of the novice investigators. "We knew we had to get to the bottom of this mystery then and there."

Upon investigation, the teens found old strips of rag fragments stained with coffee, and a masonic ring in the basement. "It was our first clue!" exclaimed Velma Dinkley, a female member of the group.
"We knew we had to act fast while the trail was fresh." added Daphne Blake.

"Scooby and I were searching the bakery while the rest of the gang was checking out the rest of the place." explained Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers, one of the teens arrested. "We were testing some great marmalade cupcakes for clues when Scooby tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. I turned around and I was face to face with the Masonic mummy ghost himself! I was like, zoinks!"

Shaggy and his dog, Scooby-doo, claimed they were then chased all throughout the establishment by the Masonic mummy ghost, causing damage to multiple crates of supplies and damaging other private property as well, for which their initial arrest was made later that day.

"We had eventually found more clues and discovered evidence that old man Jenkins, a disgruntled Freemason and avid decaf drinker, wanted to see the coffee shop close so he could buy the property to open a pawn shop." explained Velma.

"Unfortunately, we were arrested and taken downtown before we could explain the whole thing to the police." added Fred.

With the evidence in hand, the gang explained the whole situation to local authorities while being held for malicious damage and trespassing. The police found old man Jenkins in the basement dressed as a mummy and placed him under arrest. All charges were dropped against the teens and their dog, due to their help in bringing to justice the local con-man.

Spartanburg's PPP news was on the scene to ask old man Jenkins for a comment on his outlandish scheme as he was being led to the patrol car, to which he is quoted as saying, "I would of succeeded, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids."

Because of their arrest, and despite the charges against them being dropped, the teens pictures were still placed in the local weekly paper, Jailbirds, which features people incarcerated in Spartanburg county.

"It's ok." remarked Shaggy. "I always wanted my picture in the paper, and now the coffee shop said we can get all the marmalade cupcakes Scooby and I can eat." To which his talking dog amazingly spoke out and exclaimed with joy, "Scooby-doobie doo!!"

Downtown Elderly Drug Ring Busted

Spartanburg police raided the Sunny Parks retirement home downtown yesterday, arresting several male residents, busting up what has been called one of the biggest illegal prescription drug rings in the city. Floyd Maddows was incarcerated on numerous charges of selling high grade Viagra to undercover officers posing as elderly residents.

"We've been performing surveillance for quite some time now." explained detective Robbert Mathews. "Since noticing the rise in activity, undercover officers have been gathering evidence for over a year from inside the retirement home. We have video evidence of everything, and believe me, some of it is rather disturbing footage."

It is rumored that the actual raid had to be undertaken on short notice due to some of the video evidence being supposedly leaked from officials onto internet sites such as GrannyGangBang.com, among other mature adult websites. It was feared that some of the residents may recognize the footage, as internet records show these kinds of sites are frequently visited from within the retirement home.

"I'm not at liberty to comment on that." Mathews stated, "but any wrong doing on the part of police will be addressed internally, of course."

The raid and arrests took place at 4:15pm, as most of the residents were taking a nap, and the elderly men arrested were reported to go peaceably, but one of the detained individuals did have trouble putting on his pants, one disturbed eyewitness reported.

Updates are sure to come up, and we'll keep you informed as this story develops.

Spartanburg Parody Paper Press News' 1st Podcast

Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.

Area Man Filing Taxes As Professional Hipster

For Chuck "Grainy Train" Cheney being hip has always been an obsession, but now he's claiming it as his profession, and as consequence he's filing his taxes accordingly. We caught up with him the other day to get the inside scoop after one of his live internet radio web vlog podcasts he does from his second story loft in downtown Spartanburg to see what all the hype is about.

PPP News Staff: Good afternoon Chuck, I'm sure our readers are wondering just how this all works, filing as a pro hipster and all. It's not a typical occupation, and I thought maybe you could elaborate on it.

Chuck Cheney: Sure, no prob coolio. I've been hip forever, like, since the prenatal scene, ya dig? It just comes natural to me my man, and it ain't no thing.

PPPN Staff: So how do you make money at being a hipster?

Chuck: Ways and means my friend. Throwing house parties for the peeps, my ultra hip web radio live vlog cast. Hell, people just throw money at me, ya know? I'm that kinda guy.

PPPN: What kind of music do you play on your show?

Chuck: If you have to ask, then you obviously don't know about being hip friend. Only the dankest, most obscure shiznizzle that ever made your ears sizzle my man. Everything from Morrissey to Meat Beat Manifesto, from Dr. Dre to Dr. Dooom. Always on the upbeat switchin' up the platinum.

PPPN: OK then, it must be tough filling out the tax forms, considering the nature of your occupation.

Chuck: Not really bro, I write off all the new gear I snag, and anything I use to be hip really.

PPPN: Such as?

Chuck: I got these fly kicks, my threads of course, my rent for this fly pad, all that PBR and the Salem Lights I smoke, hell, I even claim my Portuguese water dog. I just can't claim the beaster headies, ya dig? Hey, you aren't gonna print that last part are ya?

PPPN: Sure.

Chuck: OK then. The lowdown's like this, I'm just riding this gravy train all the way to the station. I can't help that I'm deck, a juicer to the max, hell, chippers sway when I bust a moby. I don't even need no bronson to spring some tassel from some midtown jerry frado.

PPPN: You lost me at, "OK then" man.

Chuck: I got shit to do man, good luck with your article. See ya.

With that I was shown the door. Chuck never returned my calls on following up with the article and he never mentioned the article on his next couple of shows. If the IRS accepts his occupation and write offs as legitimate it'll be to the surprise of this journalist. All in all one has to admit that Chuck does have one thing going for him, the ability to throw a good house party. It's just too bad they won't let me attend.

Local Snow Storm Sends Spartanburg Citizens Into Panic

The heaviest snow to sweep the upstate in years may befall Spartanburg in the next 24 hours. The mass exodus to grocery stores was an chilly chaos of seemingly life or death survival earlier today as temperatures reached near freezing and the snow began to look like it might stick. People scrambled to find milk and loaf bread to feed themselves and their families, preparing for the worst case scenario as nearly dozens of power outages were a real possibility throughout the night in the county. Those that met with empty shelves at their local stores were panic stricken and violently distraught.

"I just hope we can make it through the night without milk." said a local shopper as he grabbed what little previsions were still available. "We may get several inches they say, if the temperature drops. This place is out of toilet paper too, damn it to hell!"
The mood on the streets is one of frantic urgency, as some people rushed out to buy kerosene and batteries with the flakes of terror already filling the sky.

As the salt is spread thick throughout the downtown streets, and people try to rush back to their homes before sundown to brace themselves for the long night ahead, one can't help but notice several vehicles abandoned in ditches on the side of the road where panic stricken drivers have lost control and obviously taken their chances on foot to find what possible shelter they could, rather then wait for tow trucks to arrive.

"I just hope citizens know it will be short lived and don't do anything rash, like resort to cannibalism." commented Mark Hylman, an officer with the city police that took a moment to comment as he was patrolling the area for wandering citizens who had abandoned their cars after running off the road in a panic. "People get insane with just the mention of snow here in the upstate of South Carolina. I'm from Chicago and it's just an everyday thing up there, but here it's apocalyptic."

Rescue teams all over the county are on full alert, not because of any hazards actually weather related, but due to peoples over reaction to the possibility of the snow and ice. Most businesses in the city are closed throughout the duration of the light snowfall expected, except for the bars, of course. Hopefully things will be back to normal in this typically peaceful and cheery town tomorrow, and life will go on as it always has, without the threat of natures wintry hands hanging over our heads.

Rabies Outbreak Terrorizes East Spartanburg

When 13 year old Carla Owens came home from an afternoon in the woods behind her house with a squirrel bite, her mother didn't think to rush her off to the hospital for such a seemingly mild injury. Apparently during the following night the child became seriously ill and crazed, viciously attacking her parents in their sleep and infecting them as well with what authorities claim to be the most severe strain of rabies they've ever seen.

The next morning Spartanburg county police and rescue received calls from Drayton area homeowners concerning several crazed individuals roaming the area attacking anyone in sight. Police reports verify several incidents of vehicles running off the road to avoid hitting pedestrians in the middle of the street, only to be dragged from their cars and violently mauled. The people attacked apparently became crazed themselves, attacking others, to where by mid-day reports were coming in from all over the east side of town.

Greg Fowler, a gas station attendant on East Main street, managed to avoid what he described as a violent mob of blood stained lunatics by hiding in his stores beer cave. "The first one was a large bearded man in nothing but his boxer shorts, I thought he was just another drunk till I saw the blood dripping off his deeply bitten face." Fowler explained as he warmed himself after his nearly week long stay in the refrigerated safe haven of a beer cooler. "Luckily for me he went for a customer using the ATM machine first, giving me just enough time to make it in the beer cave, barring the door behind me. I don't remember much after the first 24 hours or so because I didn't have any food or water and had to drink beer to survive in there."

While some got through the ordeal by barricading themselves within their homes, others attempted to survive the tragedy by locking themselves in the old Hillcrest shopping plaza, but when they tried to make a break for it in two Spartanburg regional shuttle buses, reinforced with vinyl siding, they were overrun by the bloodthirsty infected. Paul Blart, a security officer at the plaza, survived by staying behind and shared his story with us. "It was me, a nurse, a cop, some guy that sold TV's, and a few others. I told them it was insane to go out there, but they were determined to reach an island in the middle of lake Bowen, thinking it was their only chance to survive. I told them it was suicide, but they wouldn't listen."

Another couple of survivors crawled out of the ruins of the old Winchester Pub on Fernwood and Glendale. Shaun Taylor and his girlfriend Liz ended up there with others and shared with me how they barely escaped with their lives. "It was us, and my mom, my best friend and another couple. We were fine the first night, but then the jukebox suddenly came blaring on and I guess they heard us. They came crashing in through the barricaded windows like a nightmare." Shaun recalls with terror in his eyes, "They made lunch meat out of everyone but us. The place somehow caught on fire at that point, and we were barely fending them off from behind the bar when luckily we found a trap door and got ourselves underground in the crawlspace to safety."

After many days, and several hundreds dead, the infected seemed to stop being aggressive and came back to their senses. Julie Hartford was one of the infected whom we talked to following the ordeal, and one of the few who were willing to explain her thoughts on what had happened. "All I remember was being attacked while going outside to my mailbox Thursday morning, and then suddenly I realized I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot covered in blood with raw flesh in my teeth." She explained in gory detail. "I've been a vegetarian for over three years now, and this relapse shouldn't count I believe. I was out of my mind, I don't remember a thing, but they said I attacked several people and bit some guys ear off, I'm so ashamed."

It was a tragedy this town won't soon forget, and all squirrels in the area are being systematically destroyed to prevent future outbreaks. The close proximity to Milliken's new umbrella factory has come under scrutiny, and an ongoing investigation is underway. Whatever the cause of this disaster, one can only feel sorrow for the lives lost, and sympathy for their families. We can only hope nothing like this ever happens again, and now the survivors must pick up the pieces and live life the only way they can, one day at a time.