Downtown Elderly Drug Ring Busted

Spartanburg police raided the Sunny Parks retirement home downtown yesterday, arresting several male residents, busting up what has been called one of the biggest illegal prescription drug rings in the city. Floyd Maddows was incarcerated on numerous charges of selling high grade Viagra to undercover officers posing as elderly residents.

"We've been performing surveillance for quite some time now." explained detective Robbert Mathews. "Since noticing the rise in activity, undercover officers have been gathering evidence for over a year from inside the retirement home. We have video evidence of everything, and believe me, some of it is rather disturbing footage."

It is rumored that the actual raid had to be undertaken on short notice due to some of the video evidence being supposedly leaked from officials onto internet sites such as GrannyGangBang.com, among other mature adult websites. It was feared that some of the residents may recognize the footage, as internet records show these kinds of sites are frequently visited from within the retirement home.

"I'm not at liberty to comment on that." Mathews stated, "but any wrong doing on the part of police will be addressed internally, of course."

The raid and arrests took place at 4:15pm, as most of the residents were taking a nap, and the elderly men arrested were reported to go peaceably, but one of the detained individuals did have trouble putting on his pants, one disturbed eyewitness reported.

Updates are sure to come up, and we'll keep you informed as this story develops.

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Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.