City Police Arrest Ederly Kool-Aid Mascot in Hampton Heights

Spartanburg Police have been on the lookout this past week for a giant walking pitcher of red liquid. Reports indicate it has been a virtual rampage of tens of thousands of dollars worth of destruction to private property over the past several days in mainly suburban homes around the downtown area of Spartanburg.

"We were just standing there in the break room making some kool-aid when all of the sudden it was like an explosion." Mary Collins, an eye witness to one of the incidents commented. "We thought it was terrorists at first, but then we saw a giant red thing, and he yelled in this booming voice, 'Oh Yeah!' ..I thought we were all dead for sure."

Police detectives say the incidents mostly happened in kitchens, or when someone was making a glass of kool-aid. "We set up a Sting operation, trying to trap the suspect," Sargent Waters told reporters today, "We prompted his appearance in a house in Hampton heights by pouring up some of the kool-aid beverage. We had a SWAT team laying in wait inside the suburban home."

The Kool-Aid man was arrested and given a psychological evaluation which resulted in discovering he suffers from dementia.

"I think he was just confused, and he certainly didn't want to hurt anyone" local psychologist Bill Kerrnal remarked. "He's into his 60's in age, but also has lived very much a life of hard knocks. We'll do our best to keep him from going to prison over this. He needs help, and being locked up like an animal won't do him, or anyone, any good."

For now, what the future has in store for the Kool-Aid man will be left up to the local courts to decide, but Spartanburg residents can sigh in relief that it's safe to enjoy a nice glass of kool-aid again without having to worry about doing major construction repair to their homes.

Spartanburg Procrastinators Club Meet-up Postponed

The Spartanburg procrastinators club was scheduled to hold their first meeting over the weekend at Sonny's brickoven pizza downtown, and part-time organizer Jeff Parsons was hoping for a high turnout.

"We had a lot of people that said they were attending on the facebook event page we created for this." said Parsons, "I admit the event should have been promoted earlier then a few days prior though. I just have so much stuff going on right now, and I only organize for this group in my spare time really."

Attending the meeting were Parsons and three others, who were unaware of the event itself, but just happened to be at the pizza place for drinks that evening.
The group decided to postpone the event for a yet to be decided upon date, in the near future possibly, sooner then later hopefully.

"Possible future events will be posted probably at least two weeks or so before the event itself more then likely," Parsons added, "unless a mutually convenient date is agreed upon by whoever thinks they might could meet wherever, whenever, or whatever. I'm sure it'll all come together sooner or later."

Masonic Coffee Mummy Ghost Mystery Solved

Four teens and their dog were arrested and released over the weekend at a new coffee shop downtown which until recently was a masonic temple. Claiming to be professional paranormal investigators, the teens allegedly were solving the mystery of the masonic mummy ghost, reportedly seen by several employees at the establishment.

"We were just enjoying some coffee when we heard a scream, and the girl working that day came running up from the basement in a panic." said Fred Jones, one of the novice investigators. "We knew we had to get to the bottom of this mystery then and there."

Upon investigation, the teens found old strips of rag fragments stained with coffee, and a masonic ring in the basement. "It was our first clue!" exclaimed Velma Dinkley, a female member of the group.
"We knew we had to act fast while the trail was fresh." added Daphne Blake.

"Scooby and I were searching the bakery while the rest of the gang was checking out the rest of the place." explained Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers, one of the teens arrested. "We were testing some great marmalade cupcakes for clues when Scooby tapped me on the shoulder to get my attention. I turned around and I was face to face with the Masonic mummy ghost himself! I was like, zoinks!"

Shaggy and his dog, Scooby-doo, claimed they were then chased all throughout the establishment by the Masonic mummy ghost, causing damage to multiple crates of supplies and damaging other private property as well, for which their initial arrest was made later that day.

"We had eventually found more clues and discovered evidence that old man Jenkins, a disgruntled Freemason and avid decaf drinker, wanted to see the coffee shop close so he could buy the property to open a pawn shop." explained Velma.

"Unfortunately, we were arrested and taken downtown before we could explain the whole thing to the police." added Fred.

With the evidence in hand, the gang explained the whole situation to local authorities while being held for malicious damage and trespassing. The police found old man Jenkins in the basement dressed as a mummy and placed him under arrest. All charges were dropped against the teens and their dog, due to their help in bringing to justice the local con-man.

Spartanburg's PPP news was on the scene to ask old man Jenkins for a comment on his outlandish scheme as he was being led to the patrol car, to which he is quoted as saying, "I would of succeeded, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids."

Because of their arrest, and despite the charges against them being dropped, the teens pictures were still placed in the local weekly paper, Jailbirds, which features people incarcerated in Spartanburg county.

"It's ok." remarked Shaggy. "I always wanted my picture in the paper, and now the coffee shop said we can get all the marmalade cupcakes Scooby and I can eat." To which his talking dog amazingly spoke out and exclaimed with joy, "Scooby-doobie doo!!"

Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.