Local Roller Skating Car-Hop Waitress' Arrested

A Spartanburg Sonic Drive-In was closed over the weekend due to a fight between multiple roller skating waitresses Friday. The restaurant recently hired two female employees that are members of a local roller derby team, apparently much to the dismay of the other car hop girls.

Police reports initially stated the two new employees, Autumn "Atticweapon" Warner, and Stephanie "Slaughterberry Shortcake" Davis were the only ones who didn't sustain injury, which led to the initial assumption they were responsible for the brawl, on top of the other waitresses account of the event.

"We couldn't make any tips because these new girls were hogging all the customers!" said Susan Bailey, a skating waitress at Sonic that has been working there all summer.

Video security footage of the day in question shows the two roller derby waitresses "checking" the more novice skaters. Judge Frank Barry concluded the alleged "checking" to be a legal roller derby maneuver and dropped all charges, stating the two derby girls acted in self-defense when attacked in retaliation. Sonic representatives declined to comment, other then to say the two ladies in question no longer work at the establishment.

City Police Arrest Ederly Kool-Aid Mascot in Hampton Heights

Spartanburg Police have been on the lookout this past week for a giant walking pitcher of red liquid. Reports indicate it has been a virtual rampage of tens of thousands of dollars worth of destruction to private property over the past several days in mainly suburban homes around the downtown area of Spartanburg.

"We were just standing there in the break room making some kool-aid when all of the sudden it was like an explosion." Mary Collins, an eye witness to one of the incidents commented. "We thought it was terrorists at first, but then we saw a giant red thing, and he yelled in this booming voice, 'Oh Yeah!' ..I thought we were all dead for sure."

Police detectives say the incidents mostly happened in kitchens, or when someone was making a glass of kool-aid. "We set up a Sting operation, trying to trap the suspect," Sargent Waters told reporters today, "We prompted his appearance in a house in Hampton heights by pouring up some of the kool-aid beverage. We had a SWAT team laying in wait inside the suburban home."

The Kool-Aid man was arrested and given a psychological evaluation which resulted in discovering he suffers from dementia.

"I think he was just confused, and he certainly didn't want to hurt anyone" local psychologist Bill Kerrnal remarked. "He's into his 60's in age, but also has lived very much a life of hard knocks. We'll do our best to keep him from going to prison over this. He needs help, and being locked up like an animal won't do him, or anyone, any good."

For now, what the future has in store for the Kool-Aid man will be left up to the local courts to decide, but Spartanburg residents can sigh in relief that it's safe to enjoy a nice glass of kool-aid again without having to worry about doing major construction repair to their homes.