New Breed of Cat Overpopulates Spartanburg Overnight

Seemingly overnight, citizens on the west side of Spartanburg were surrounded by literally thousands of cute fuzzy creatures that appear to be an unidentified species of feline.

Last nights rain showers left a fog over the city, and a fog of confusion still lingers over where these creatures came from. Susan Gratty, with Spartanburg's animal control and rescue, reported their facility is almost at maximum capacity and unable to contend with the situation.

Some citizens seem more then happy to take in the apparently harmless and cuddly creatures into their homes as pets. "I rounded up about a dozen of the frisky critters so far." says local resident Wilma Haynes, "They are eating me out of house and home though, but my husband is bring groceries after he gets off work tonight after midnight."

We at Spartanburg Parody Paper Press News will follow up this story as the situation develops. Local scientists are looking into where these creatures came from, and what species they are. Stay tuned!  

Local Roller Skating Car-Hop Waitress' Arrested

A Spartanburg Sonic Drive-In was closed over the weekend due to a fight between multiple roller skating waitresses Friday. The restaurant recently hired two female employees that are members of a local roller derby team, apparently much to the dismay of the other car hop girls.

Police reports initially stated the two new employees, Autumn "Atticweapon" Warner, and Stephanie "Slaughterberry Shortcake" Davis were the only ones who didn't sustain injury, which led to the initial assumption they were responsible for the brawl, on top of the other waitresses account of the event.

"We couldn't make any tips because these new girls were hogging all the customers!" said Susan Bailey, a skating waitress at Sonic that has been working there all summer.

Video security footage of the day in question shows the two roller derby waitresses "checking" the more novice skaters. Judge Frank Barry concluded the alleged "checking" to be a legal roller derby maneuver and dropped all charges, stating the two derby girls acted in self-defense when attacked in retaliation. Sonic representatives declined to comment, other then to say the two ladies in question no longer work at the establishment.

Spartanburg man, angry with government, "gives up" arguing on facebook.

Jerry Kippling became so frustrated this past week with trying to convince people he knew more then they did about who is really to blame for the shortcomings of the US government that he simply gave up and logged off his facebook page.

"I don't even care to check who replied to my last 10 posts, it's a heavy burden being right all the time, and frankly, it's not as fun as it used to be."

Jerry reportedly is planning on avoiding the social networking site for a few days, and hopes to post pictures of his cats upon his return, rather then rant about the perilous economic situation over the weekend.

Downtown Elderly Drug Ring Busted

Spartanburg police raided the Sunny Parks retirement home downtown yesterday, arresting several male residents, busting up what has been called one of the biggest illegal prescription drug rings in the city. Floyd Maddows was incarcerated on numerous charges of selling high grade Viagra to undercover officers posing as elderly residents.

"We've been performing surveillance for quite some time now." explained detective Robbert Mathews. "Since noticing the rise in activity, undercover officers have been gathering evidence for over a year from inside the retirement home. We have video evidence of everything, and believe me, some of it is rather disturbing footage."

It is rumored that the actual raid had to be undertaken on short notice due to some of the video evidence being supposedly leaked from officials onto internet sites such as GrannyGangBang.com, among other mature adult websites. It was feared that some of the residents may recognize the footage, as internet records show these kinds of sites are frequently visited from within the retirement home.

"I'm not at liberty to comment on that." Mathews stated, "but any wrong doing on the part of police will be addressed internally, of course."

The raid and arrests took place at 4:15pm, as most of the residents were taking a nap, and the elderly men arrested were reported to go peaceably, but one of the detained individuals did have trouble putting on his pants, one disturbed eyewitness reported.

Updates are sure to come up, and we'll keep you informed as this story develops.

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Local Energy Drink Addicts March in Protest

With the new opening of a detoxification and rehabilitation center downtown for local citizens who are addicted to energy drinks, and the decision handed down from state legislators to make enrollment compulsory for confirmed addicts, hopped up caffeine lovers have come out to the new clinic picketing in defiant droves for what seems is going to be a very long and drawn out protest.

"We're not going to be treated like second class citizens!" insists Carl Dinger, an organizer of the protest of the new clinic. "This is just the beginning, we're marching to Columbia, starting right here in Spartanburg. It's going to be a one hundred mile, energy drinking parade, all the way down I-26."

So far, at least fifty protesters have gathered outside the new clinic on South Pine street, all holding signs and chanting slogans expressing their distaste for the new law and rehab center. Since yesterday, all through the night, and right on through the following day, they've spoke out against what they feel is an injustice for those who enjoy the peppy beverages.

"The fact that they've been out there going on three days straight is evidence they have a problem with these substances." says Carrie Russo, the assistant supervisor for the new energy drink detoxification and rehabilitation center. "If they seriously plan to walk from here, down the interstate for a hundred miles to the state capitol, I'm afraid some of them won't make it. If the tractor trailer trucks don't run them over when their bodies start shutting down, then we may simply be finding them dead from exhaustion on the side of the road."

"We've written out our grievances in a three thousand page memo." States Jimmy Drake, a self proclaimed energy drink freedom advocate. "We don't lay down for sleep, and we sure as heck won't lay down for these draconian energy drink laws!"

Herald Porter, who works as an auctioneer, says he's just one of the many people who depend on energy drinks to function on the job properly. "It's a big part of my job to speak fast, and if they take that away from me I might as well hang it up and be a telemarketer or something."

Emotions are running high from all sides of the debate. On the fourth day of the protest they'll start the long march toward the state capitol building, starting from downtown Spartanburg, in hopes of gaining support from the media and fellow marchers that join in along the way, undoubtedly leaving behind a trail of redbull and coffee flavored energy drink cans in their wake.

What would typically be a thirty hour walk they say they expect to do in less then a day. Once on the state house steps they plan to present their grievances and picket for as long as it takes, or at least until they run out of energy drinks and start dropping like flies.

Area Man Filing Taxes As Professional Hipster

For Chuck "Grainy Train" Cheney being hip has always been an obsession, but now he's claiming it as his profession, and as consequence he's filing his taxes accordingly. We caught up with him the other day to get the inside scoop after one of his live internet radio web vlog podcasts he does from his second story loft in downtown Spartanburg to see what all the hype is about.

PPP News Staff: Good afternoon Chuck, I'm sure our readers are wondering just how this all works, filing as a pro hipster and all. It's not a typical occupation, and I thought maybe you could elaborate on it.

Chuck Cheney: Sure, no prob coolio. I've been hip forever, like, since the prenatal scene, ya dig? It just comes natural to me my man, and it ain't no thing.

PPPN Staff: So how do you make money at being a hipster?

Chuck: Ways and means my friend. Throwing house parties for the peeps, my ultra hip web radio live vlog cast. Hell, people just throw money at me, ya know? I'm that kinda guy.

PPPN: What kind of music do you play on your show?

Chuck: If you have to ask, then you obviously don't know about being hip friend. Only the dankest, most obscure shiznizzle that ever made your ears sizzle my man. Everything from Morrissey to Meat Beat Manifesto, from Dr. Dre to Dr. Dooom. Always on the upbeat switchin' up the platinum.

PPPN: OK then, it must be tough filling out the tax forms, considering the nature of your occupation.

Chuck: Not really bro, I write off all the new gear I snag, and anything I use to be hip really.

PPPN: Such as?

Chuck: I got these fly kicks, my threads of course, my rent for this fly pad, all that PBR and the Salem Lights I smoke, hell, I even claim my Portuguese water dog. I just can't claim the beaster headies, ya dig? Hey, you aren't gonna print that last part are ya?

PPPN: Sure.

Chuck: OK then. The lowdown's like this, I'm just riding this gravy train all the way to the station. I can't help that I'm deck, a juicer to the max, hell, chippers sway when I bust a moby. I don't even need no bronson to spring some tassel from some midtown jerry frado.

PPPN: You lost me at, "OK then" man.

Chuck: I got shit to do man, good luck with your article. See ya.

With that I was shown the door. Chuck never returned my calls on following up with the article and he never mentioned the article on his next couple of shows. If the IRS accepts his occupation and write offs as legitimate it'll be to the surprise of this journalist. All in all one has to admit that Chuck does have one thing going for him, the ability to throw a good house party. It's just too bad they won't let me attend.

Local Snow Storm Sends Spartanburg Citizens Into Panic

The heaviest snow to sweep the upstate in years may befall Spartanburg in the next 24 hours. The mass exodus to grocery stores was an chilly chaos of seemingly life or death survival earlier today as temperatures reached near freezing and the snow began to look like it might stick. People scrambled to find milk and loaf bread to feed themselves and their families, preparing for the worst case scenario as nearly dozens of power outages were a real possibility throughout the night in the county. Those that met with empty shelves at their local stores were panic stricken and violently distraught.

"I just hope we can make it through the night without milk." said a local shopper as he grabbed what little previsions were still available. "We may get several inches they say, if the temperature drops. This place is out of toilet paper too, damn it to hell!"
The mood on the streets is one of frantic urgency, as some people rushed out to buy kerosene and batteries with the flakes of terror already filling the sky.

As the salt is spread thick throughout the downtown streets, and people try to rush back to their homes before sundown to brace themselves for the long night ahead, one can't help but notice several vehicles abandoned in ditches on the side of the road where panic stricken drivers have lost control and obviously taken their chances on foot to find what possible shelter they could, rather then wait for tow trucks to arrive.

"I just hope citizens know it will be short lived and don't do anything rash, like resort to cannibalism." commented Mark Hylman, an officer with the city police that took a moment to comment as he was patrolling the area for wandering citizens who had abandoned their cars after running off the road in a panic. "People get insane with just the mention of snow here in the upstate of South Carolina. I'm from Chicago and it's just an everyday thing up there, but here it's apocalyptic."

Rescue teams all over the county are on full alert, not because of any hazards actually weather related, but due to peoples over reaction to the possibility of the snow and ice. Most businesses in the city are closed throughout the duration of the light snowfall expected, except for the bars, of course. Hopefully things will be back to normal in this typically peaceful and cheery town tomorrow, and life will go on as it always has, without the threat of natures wintry hands hanging over our heads.

Rabies Outbreak Terrorizes East Spartanburg

When 13 year old Carla Owens came home from an afternoon in the woods behind her house with a squirrel bite, her mother didn't think to rush her off to the hospital for such a seemingly mild injury. Apparently during the following night the child became seriously ill and crazed, viciously attacking her parents in their sleep and infecting them as well with what authorities claim to be the most severe strain of rabies they've ever seen.

The next morning Spartanburg county police and rescue received calls from Drayton area homeowners concerning several crazed individuals roaming the area attacking anyone in sight. Police reports verify several incidents of vehicles running off the road to avoid hitting pedestrians in the middle of the street, only to be dragged from their cars and violently mauled. The people attacked apparently became crazed themselves, attacking others, to where by mid-day reports were coming in from all over the east side of town.

Greg Fowler, a gas station attendant on East Main street, managed to avoid what he described as a violent mob of blood stained lunatics by hiding in his stores beer cave. "The first one was a large bearded man in nothing but his boxer shorts, I thought he was just another drunk till I saw the blood dripping off his deeply bitten face." Fowler explained as he warmed himself after his nearly week long stay in the refrigerated safe haven of a beer cooler. "Luckily for me he went for a customer using the ATM machine first, giving me just enough time to make it in the beer cave, barring the door behind me. I don't remember much after the first 24 hours or so because I didn't have any food or water and had to drink beer to survive in there."

While some got through the ordeal by barricading themselves within their homes, others attempted to survive the tragedy by locking themselves in the old Hillcrest shopping plaza, but when they tried to make a break for it in two Spartanburg regional shuttle buses, reinforced with vinyl siding, they were overrun by the bloodthirsty infected. Paul Blart, a security officer at the plaza, survived by staying behind and shared his story with us. "It was me, a nurse, a cop, some guy that sold TV's, and a few others. I told them it was insane to go out there, but they were determined to reach an island in the middle of lake Bowen, thinking it was their only chance to survive. I told them it was suicide, but they wouldn't listen."

Another couple of survivors crawled out of the ruins of the old Winchester Pub on Fernwood and Glendale. Shaun Taylor and his girlfriend Liz ended up there with others and shared with me how they barely escaped with their lives. "It was us, and my mom, my best friend and another couple. We were fine the first night, but then the jukebox suddenly came blaring on and I guess they heard us. They came crashing in through the barricaded windows like a nightmare." Shaun recalls with terror in his eyes, "They made lunch meat out of everyone but us. The place somehow caught on fire at that point, and we were barely fending them off from behind the bar when luckily we found a trap door and got ourselves underground in the crawlspace to safety."

After many days, and several hundreds dead, the infected seemed to stop being aggressive and came back to their senses. Julie Hartford was one of the infected whom we talked to following the ordeal, and one of the few who were willing to explain her thoughts on what had happened. "All I remember was being attacked while going outside to my mailbox Thursday morning, and then suddenly I realized I was in the Wal-Mart parking lot covered in blood with raw flesh in my teeth." She explained in gory detail. "I've been a vegetarian for over three years now, and this relapse shouldn't count I believe. I was out of my mind, I don't remember a thing, but they said I attacked several people and bit some guys ear off, I'm so ashamed."

It was a tragedy this town won't soon forget, and all squirrels in the area are being systematically destroyed to prevent future outbreaks. The close proximity to Milliken's new umbrella factory has come under scrutiny, and an ongoing investigation is underway. Whatever the cause of this disaster, one can only feel sorrow for the lives lost, and sympathy for their families. We can only hope nothing like this ever happens again, and now the survivors must pick up the pieces and live life the only way they can, one day at a time.

Peaceful Anarchy Proposed to Keep the Flea Market a Free Market

In a surprising move, Spartanburg City Council imposed sales taxes and book keeping regulations on local flea market vendors. Spartanburg Flea Market was once known as the Thunderbird, and a drive-in movie theater before that. The vendors are very upset and some have joined together in taking on City Council to keep their flea market a free market.
"This will hardly make it worth setting up shop." complains Tim Conners, a long time vendor of collectible cassette tapes, velvet Elvis paintings, and personalized air brushed T-shirts. "I'm out here barely scraping by as it is, they'll wipe me out with taxes by the end of the first quarter, how will I be able to afford to restock my Elvis art, or my tapes? I'm ruined if this thing goes through."

Matt Carter over at the removable tattoo parlor and peanut shack is worried this spells the end of the flea market itself. "No one will survive this transition. They expect us to get licensed and file paperwork, even if I could read I'd still be opposed to it."

Many of the vendors are rising to the challenge presented by the city and proposing just as drastic measures on the Council as are being imposed upon themselves. "We're forcing a vote for peaceful anarchy to be in effect immediately in the city." said Susan Bowers, a long time seller of porcelain nick-nacks and live chickens. "It's doubtful the Council will vote in favor of the change, but it shows them the extremes of the position they are putting us in, only reversed basically."

Catching up with Sarah Blanchard, a Spartanburg City Council board member, "Of course we'll vote against it. You really think we'd vote ourselves out of power? We'd have to, ya know, find real jobs like everybody else if that were the case." she said just before hopping in her sporty new Maserati and speeding off.

What the proposal does though is buy the vendors a little more time. The Councils regulations can't take effect until the counter proposal is addressed, and it's sure to bring some light to the destruction of what is possibly the last working example of a truly localized free market. The city is in a desperate attempt to gain slightly more revenue, but this is only bringing them unexpected opposition.

"I see the government as a kind of Robinhood," remarked a rollerskating dwarf named Bongo who often break dances and juggles for the shoppers while passing around the hat. "except where Robinhood steals from the rich and gives to the poor, the government steals from the poor too. Keep the flea market a free market enterprise or I won't be able to do this anymore." he said just before twirling around on one skate and flipping into a handstand to the applause of the crowd that had gathered.

It would be a shame to lose the only place in town where you can buy an old ice cream churn, original 16-bit Nintendo games, and live poultry all in one convenient stop on an early Saturday morning. The peaceful anarchy proposal will hopefully be addressed in the City Council meeting next week, but until then all the vendors, and the future of the free market flea market, is up in the air.